3 Weeks of Upheaval

The last 2-3 weeks have been rough... My laptop died, had out of town guest, family drama, and I've been on overdrive at work. Finally got my laptop back! Whew.... Now its got a new motherboard and LCD screen..Our house is our own once again, Everyone is back from vacation at work and the family drama..well...does that really ever go away??? I have to realize the kids are grown and it's their life and not my own. The decisions they make affect them and not me. They need to follow their own path...wherever that may lead.
My son Tony was set to get married May 9, 2009 to a family friend's daughter, who we absolutely adore. Tony is an amazing guitar player and Laura has a killer voice and they have a band that plays out frequently. He has been pursued by several well known bands to join them and for different reasons he has always said no. Last year he was going to move out of state to join one of these bands but changed his mind and proposed to Laura instead.
The ball rolled....Laura got a dress....the hall secured...wedding party chosen...on and on.
So a little over a week ago...The bomb drops.
The wedding is postponed.....INDEFINITELY.
Tony is moving to join a band that has been touring steadily and plans on starting a European tour. The biggest shocker is that his strongest supporter is Laura.
She says that if Tony doesn't pursue music, he will never be happy and that she never wants him to wonder what if..... Smart girl. I have to agree. I know my son and he has been frustrated for quite awhile musically.
His sister who was planning to go back to school in the fall and is now postponing school in order to move in with Laura so they don't lose the huge and cheap apartment they now rent. She's always had a hard time in school but she was determined to stop working and just concentrate on graduating with her degree. In her eyes, she is helping her brother and putting her plans on hold is not a problem.
Repeat...not my life.
Everyone is now excited for him. I know he is nervous. He is not only leaving Laura, family, friends, and great job but he is headed for the unknown. That's always scary.
But he NEEDS to do this.
Its his art.

And I am proud of him... how can I not be? He is brave.
He is following his passion.

New Art and New Products

This weekend was Dick Blick's Learning Expo in Lisle, IL. I'd been looking forward to going, especially since I found out they were selling the new
pan pastels. These are pastels that I've been dying to try. Every rave review I've read and heard are absolutely true. They are fantastic. Creamy and smooth!! They blend beautifully.... I LOVE THEM!!
I also bought more Canson's all media books that I can use to try out new techniques and ideas... Some more Golden's fluid acrylics that I was running out of....Gesso....Goldens also has a new product line.More Mixed Media...Digital grounds that you apply on just about any flat surface and you can print from your ink jet printer. All the info is at the Golden's website. So I bought a sample pack.
I also bought my future DIL a book on watercolors.

So while hubby celebrated his birthday out on the golf course, I was in my studio playing with my new pastels. I ended up creating a new journal page. I was thinking about what Luniladi had said in our last conversation. Where was I going?

I layered and layered and layered. By the time I was done my studio looked like a tornado had hit. Acrylics, inks, gesso, stamps, and papers were all over the place. In the end I'm happy with how it came out.

I also finished a page for a circus swap I'm in.

By the time I was done, it was BBQ time and the party began.

My laptop goes back to Dell to get fixed tomorrow. I miss it. Hubby's puter is too slow...but beggers can't be choosy and I NEED my internet.

Being a Kid Again

Yesterday I realized I had forgotten how to play.
And all it took was for Desi to remind me that I'm not old. JEEZ I'm not 50 yet..and even thats not old.
At first I didn't know why or when it happened but I do know....
Work, school, bills,medical issues, kids....LIFE, or maybe how I percieved my life.
I know now that I didn't take the time to enjoy the little things and even some of the big things in my life.
I was busy!! I've been in a hurry all my life...even when there's no need.
Still am. I've rushed home from work even when the house is empty. Why?? Who knows. Patience has never been a virtue of mine.


Anyway, I thought about all this as I watched my 1 1/2 yr old grandson take in the wonders of the playground. When's the last time I played??? Really played?? Wow... with his dad when he was the same age, the summer before I started nursing school. And even though Tony and Anjelika came along later, I was wrapped up in keeping up with family, work etc. Too busy to enjoy. Its sad really. I feel sad for Tony and Anjelika more than anything. They missed out on the real me. Though they had a great childhood...they only saw glimpses of what and who mom was.
I could give the excuse that I was 21 and naive as to what lay ahead. That summer was fantastic. I was excited about starting nursing school and I had taken the summer off from working to spend time with Damien before I had to put him in daycare. Every day was play day. Picnics in the park, drawing, walks in the hood, reading stories to him, and acting like I was 5 at the park. By 5 pm we were ready for dad to get home from work and play some more. David still hasn't lost that playfulness. But I did.


So yesterday ...I played. I played with Desi like I did that summer with his dad.


I went down every slide that park had, swung on the swings, climbed everything. I even went throught the round wire tube that Damien cautioned me " Mom maybe you shouldn't go in there" Hey I fit...so I crawled right through and Desi followed laughing at his silly Mima.

I want to play more often. In life and in my art. Damien and Desi came by today. As David and Damien hung out and ran an errand. Desi and I did watercolor paintings as we sat in the grass with the sun shining down on us. Well.. I watercolored and he basically got watercolor paints all over himself , some did end up on the paper, and then dumped the pail of water all over his clothes.

Ahhh. but ain't life grand??

Ps..I am planning on using our masterpieces as a background for something...just don't know what yet.

EXHIBIT

Last month I was asked if I was interested in putting my artwork in a gallery where Press Gang is having a show. Heart of Gold Loft. Before my mind could catch up with my mouth I said yes. In reality I had nothing, which meant I had to get to work on creating new stuff for the exhibit.

This is a first for me. So fear did not enter in the equation...yet. I had other projects going on at the same time and working overtime at my regular job.

WHAT WAS I THINKING????

The countdown:

Week 4..... nothing

Week 3... I start looking around my studio at what I have to work with. Are you kidding me??? I have an art supply store here!! So I first decide on 12 4x4 canvases I had other plans for. I did a quick wash and layered some paint and scraps of paper. Grabbed some canvas fabric and did a quick wash of watercolors on that... grabbed a 10x10 canvas I had painted and drawn previously for another project and made changes to that...

OK...got nothing

Week 2...Still no fear , no nerves acting up.

I add different paper to fabric and have a great idea on what to do. Work on the 4x4's..have great idea for that and go for it. Add more layers to the 10x10.

Week 1 and counting down the days....Patina the clothespins for the fabric canvas. Start mold for my knife on the 4x4's. And start on layers of tar gel.

Add more paint to that and add more layers of paint to 10x10.

Chaos and nerves set in...

The mold of my knife did not turn out like I saw it in my head. Even after I painted it...nope didn't work. Crap!!! what to do?? Paint I had planned on using for the tar gel isn't right... Fly over to Dick Blicks, get right color..just in case I get another shade too. Add that... ok, I'm happy.

But the whole point was the knife...now I'm sweating it.

Doubt begins to settle in and the inner critic is screaming at me... "What were you thinking??? Your stuff doesn't belong there". I start to freak out. Call Luniladi and as always she encourages me and says just the right things. She emails me at work everyday with encouraging words. God I love her!!

Day 5... I am told when I can come over with artwork.

Day 4.... I am told I need to have info about my work.

Crap I have nothing!!! Mind is a blank... I freeze. MAJOR FREAK OUT

Day 3...no time, DH and kids look at my stuff, DH says he doesn't get it...not to say its bad... just doesn't get it.

Day 2.... Finish fabric piece and hate it, The 4x4 need something... have no clue what that something is.

The 10x 10 is at least done and I'm ok with it.

Get my hair cut and done which was waaaay overdue. At least I'll look cute if my artwork sux.

Go out for dinner with DH to celebrate our 28th anniversary, have martinis with dinner on an empty stomach and needless to say the rest of my evening didn't go as planned. We wanted to keep the night going ...it was a beautiful night... but I was zonked out by 10. Jeez I'm a fun date!! Well I was.. till the last of the martini was gone and I realized oops... bad idea

DAY 1... I had taken Thursday and Friday off. BIL comes in from out of town for exhibit and show and an appt. Monday before he goes back home. Surprise my Tias with a visit with Desi, drop Desi back off and Start to seriously freak out.

Well at least I'm done with my 3 pieces.

DAY OF EXHIBIT: Wake up before the roosters, freaking out. I want to throw up. Sit in my studio looking around. My eyes focus on a paper mache hand and another canvas next to it..

I have this vision for the hand and the canvas that kinda unifies the 4x4 canvas and the 10x10. I start working. Pulled out the heat gun to rush the drying time..

I don't think I've ever used my heat gun so much at one time!!

My hubby comes in and says that by looking at my art, people are gonna think our marriage sux. We laugh and I see what he means. I don't even know where this comes from cause after 28 yrs we still have fun together.

It 11am and I'm done! As happy as I can be with inner critic buzzing in my ear. Call Luniladi to tell her what I did.. she even thinks I'm nuts for changing my mind...but again very encouraging.

I still need to name my pieces and my mind won't cooperate. call Damien figuring since he write lyrics he can help. "I got nothing, sorry"

He comes by to pick up equipment and looks over my finished work. Smiles and says the 4x4's look like a Bon Jovi song and laughs.

Finally have a plan and take quick pics before I head out the door. They didn't turn out great and I totally forgot to take pics at the gallery. Dummy me.

Lost Souls

Disillusion

Lost

Thanks alot Bon Jovi

After all was said and done..It was a success.

I had people come up to me that have known me for years that had no idea I did this and they liked it, or those that found out it was mine after someone else told them. It was great meeting new people that enjoyed what I did.

And the best part???

My hubby of 28 yrs comes up to me and says.. "WOW.. being up on a wall with other peoples art.... It looks great! on the floor in your room doesn't even compare"

That put a smile on my face...He finally gets it!

Catching up

Wow, its been a long time since I posted....
The whole reason to start this blog was making time for myself. Which I have but somehow this went by the wayside. I love reading blogs. I read emails and read my blogs before heading off to work in the morning. But I've been working alot of overtime in order to put it into the "Tony's getting married" fund. More on that later.
Baby girl turned 21 with a blow out party.

Damien made the flyers

Her friends from Denver, Forth Yeer Freshman surprised her by being the headlining band. http://www.myspace.com/forthyeerfreshman
It took a year to plan since they tour and we wanted to surprise her.
She knew they were touring but had no idea they were coming. She thought they were in Indiana that night. So when they came in asking for directions to Indiana, she jumped all over them.

Tony and Damien played http://www.myspace.com/roadcrew13
Damien's new band http://www.myspace.com/pressgang3

and Tony and Laura...http://www.myspace.com/littlesisterthebullies.

we all had a great time.

I've been spending time with my favorite little man...

I've been making some new art

There's more but I keep forgetting to take pics until after I send stuff out.

That puter bag I wanted in an earlier post??? Got it after valentines Day.

And now my laptop took a dump. I've been on DH's puter which is super slow and playing phone tag with Dell.
Worked on new stuff that took me in some ways in a different direction.
But thats a post all on it own.

I'm a new wife and mom....AGAIN

I'm home sick. Have a fever ... I still am dizzy from my new glasses. These progreesives suck.. I just see clearer as my head is spinning thats all......I feel like crap, am bored and i'm sure I'm hallucinating. Gotta be.

David is back on days after what 5 yrs or is that 7? Lost count. Nini moved back home so she can go back to school. Oh with Kirby ( her BF) in tow. Sometimes here..Sometimes not. but still... he is here, which I'm not saying is a bad thing. I'm just saying...My nights are not my own anymore.

My groove thang has gone haywire.

My nights after work consist of making dinner, setting the table, washing dishes, getting stuff ready for next day.. then dropping dead from exhaustion, just so I can be up at the crack of dawn (its not EVEN dawn yet btw) by 4:30 the next day to make lunches and read email and get ready for work. Why not make lunches the night before you may ask??? Cause they like FRESH lunches. AND whatever GOOD tv shows I DVR'ed (DVR'd??) I won't be able to watch cause David a) doesn't like them or b) I'm too damn tired and fall asleep within the first 5 mins.

I know that somewhere..long time ago I did this. yep.. Add 2 boys... yep I use to do this and more. That was when all 5 of us lived here. A Looooooooooooong time ago. ok, maybe not that long. But still, we are creatures of habit and when the last of my brood moved out and hubby was working nights. My life became my own ..to do as I saw fit. That included but not limited to: channel surfing.. yes, a remote control to call my very own. NO sharing, crackers n cheese for dinner or take out or nothing, my choice, um.... sitting in my studio, creating or just eyeballing all my goodies. Coming up with ideas and jotting them down, trying out stuff in my journal, reading my emails and checking out my groups, reading blogs but forgetting to write in my own.

So as I sit here nursing myself, I come to admit to myself ( Shhhhhhh don"t tell my family) I like cooking, I enjoy thier company, tv isn't that important, I like the fact David washes the dishes and I only have to do the pots. Nini and Kirby clear the table, shovel snow, take out the garbage, and they all thank me each night for dinner and tell me how good it is. Kirby has become David's Nintendo partner while I make dinner, and Nini is my companion at the store and everyone comes out to get the groceries from the car. My bed is made every morning now..Oh and I have a husband again 7 nights a week that I can put my cold ass feet up against to get them warm with no complaints. hmmmm I really like this... all of this.

Changes and more assumptions

We are back to this... after how many months???

I never create anything that I actually keep. Everything goes out the door.

But this time it's different.

I was in the process of creating some fatbook pages when my oldest came into my studio cause his dad told him he pissed off mom. Well, it all stems from my post months ago when my son figured I don't have a life. I thought everything was ok and once again we were back to it.

Hurt turns to anger. And my words were "I'm done". Done with worrying, thinking, doing, for everyone else.

So, here I was in the middle of creating a page when he walks in and once he tell me he heard I was mad but didn't know why...I went off. Called him a self centered, elitest brat and that anything that he doesn't consider importatnt isn't. I think shock is a good way to describe the look on his face. But he agreed.. and brought up having a baby. YEAH, that doesn't work with me anymore. I had 3 by his age and neither of our families knew of our struggles and I dealt with whatever came my way. With that we started talking..the whole time I'm working and talking. He looked around and said that he always supported my endeavors. Well.....he is right. He has always encouraged me. But to figure after a long day at work..I have nothing to do????..makes me nuts. He agreed he has been an ass and disrespectful.

I finished the page and kept it..... as a reminder. That my time counts.

Where's the change????

All within the same week....Hubby starts working days ( overnights for past 5 years) and our daughter moves back home in order to afford school.

Have to keep saying..

my time counts
my time counts
my time counts

Ahhhh but maybe it will feel like we are newlyweds... after almost 30 yrs.
Gotta smile