Sunday, January 17, 2010

The Ritz Project

As the date for my 50th birthday steadily approached, I retreated from life. On the outside, it was business as usual. Ahhh, but on the inside? I felt like I was dying. The fact that I was actually turning 50 wasn't the problem. It wasn't the number. It was the realization that I was not truly happy. Not with David or the family but with myself. So what did I do to turn things around? Nothing. November and December brought more bad news. David got laid off again. Still, on the outside I was chipper and optimistic. I was the cheerleader for everyone else. I felt like I was drowning. But sometimes life will kick you in the ass and make you wake up....make you pay attention.

My wake up call was almost losing David in the new year.

As our Christmas festivities came to an end, Tony went back to Denver and I went back to work. David began to complain about his leg around this time. What made things worse was his refusal to come to my office to get the leg scanned. I of course was thinking he had a DVT...a clot in his leg. By New Years Eve I knew it was bad because he didn't want to go to the party we were invited to. By this time he complained of pain on his right side and seemed short of breath. I asked then insisted we should go to the ER. He flat out refused. On January 2 he couldn't take the pain any longer and when he came down from what I thought was a nap he was gasping for air.

I don't know who I am more mad at...him for not listening to me or me for not being more persistent. Irregardless, it turns out he has 2 clots in his leg and 2 clots in his lungs. He made to the ER in time and started on blood thinners. But even with all that, a week later while in the hospital he starts to complain of chest pain. Now i think back on that day and wonder how he made it through.. One of his clots in his lungs got bigger and he threw a new clot in there, The doctor had told him he would die if this happened again. But it did happen again and thankfully he is still here with me.

Before David went into surgery last week, he said he was not scared to die because he is happy with the life he's led and is good with God. As I anxiously awaited for the surgery to be over, I thought, crap...I couldn't say the same. So instead of a New Years resolution (that I blow off within days)......I'm calling it the Ritz Project.

Whats the Ritz Project you wonder? Well it is allowing yourself to take time to learn something new, explore something you are interested in, or do something out of the ordinary just for yourself. What I hope to accomplish with this project is to better know myself, my true needs and wants. Also to discover what really makes me happy.

I'm calling it a project for a few reasons

1) I need accountability .... I'm including a few close friends and blogging about it every week. Hopefully get some of you out there interested too and we can support each other.

2) Making resolutions...really? Doesn't work for me at all.

3) Sounds like work but in a fun way. I'm approaching it like I do my job, which BTW..I'm great at. I have evaluation says so.

I am 50 and dammit I am determined to find out who I am and what it is I love. Who's with me? Who wants to learn a little more about themselves, discover a new passion?

Today, I'm am making a thank you card for my coworkers (instead of buying one), making a special dinner and photographing both. This is incorporating three things I'm interested in: cooking, art, and photography.

Your turn...tell me what you are interested in.

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