Sunday, February 22, 2009

The Death Box

There are conversations we have throughout our lives that make us un-comfortable, make us squirm in our seats just a bit. They are conversations that need to be had for one reason or another. We may not like it, but we understand the importance of it. At times we may delay them but we know that the words have to be said.

As we get older, we start to think about our own mortality. I started thinking about mine, right after having a heart attack at 46. Thoughts of death and dying clung to me for months. On the outside, no one knew that I felt like I had already died. It took quite along time for me stop fearing life and embrace the one I do have.

We watched The Bucket List this week. Aside from the fact that it is funny, it's the type of movie that makes you think, long after the movie is done. Basically the movie is about two men who are about to die that decide to create a list of things they want to accomplish before they kick the bucket, hence, The Bucket List.

When the movie was over, we told each other what would be on our own list. Without giving any of the plot away, I can see David being the Morgan Freeman character. The man that has given completely of himself for his family and needs to do things just for himself before it's his time to go. As we laughed about the things on our list, we began THE CONVERSATION, the one we've put off, the one that makes us uncomfortable. What will we do when the other dies.

We realized we don't really know the others last wishes. I know David has no clue about the what, where, and when. He would be lost when it came to life insurance, our finances, my personal things, OMG my art supplies! And as usual, he came up with an idea that was both smart and humorous. Okay maybe only to us, but it works.

The Death Box.

In it will be our will that we are in the process of doing, the living will in case we get sick and can't make a decision about our healthcare, insurance papers, and all the names and numbers of what needs to be taken care of financially. It will be easy to get to and everything in one place. It serves to reduce the stress when the time comes. It's something we all need to do but sadly many of us don't.

When my mother was told she didn't have much time left, she showed me where all her important papers where. She told my stepfather and I what she wanted for her funeral and then signed the do not resuscitate papers.

I can not imagine making any decisions the day she died. In the end she was still mom, she took care of everything. That week I was in a fog and she allowed me to grieve without having to make any decisions.

We want to give each other and our children that freedom.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Not Ready to Be a Proud Card Carrying Member

The envelope came this week. To be honest, it came as a bit of a surprise. I really thought the mailman made a mistake.....till I saw my name on it. Wait a minute here, I'm not 50 yet. I haven't wrapped my head around the fact yet.... that I'll be 50 in September. WOW! It's not that I don't KNOW I'll be 50 this year and in some ways I've been preparing for what I want to do for my birthday. But there is a difference between planning a getaway to a spa and a boozy filled weekend with the girls and shoving a "Hey yo, yeah you, you're old" card in my face. Nope, I'm not ready for that.
I stared at the envelope. I didn't open it, just stared at it. Then, as if it was some secret letter I had to hide from everyone, I quickly shoved it in my purse without even opening it. There it sits, hidden between my checkbook and my make up bag.
Getting older isn't a big deal to me or so I thought, until a few months ago when I missed my period. Since puberty I've been like clockwork. Hence, when each time I got pregnant I knew right away that I was. Before this happened, I couldn't wait till menopause came so I wouldn't have to deal with that anymore. It's not like I was going to have any more kids, I got my tubes tied years ago so I saw no point in having my life interrupted every month with cramps, bloating and spending money on tampons.
The day that I realized that I actually missed my period, I cried. Instead of being thrilled as I always imagined I would be, I mourned my loss. My forgetfulness and foggy brain these past few months weren't stress related as I had thought it was. It's the beginning of menopause.
Through tears, I told David I missed my period. I needed him to wrap his arms around me and tell it me it was okay and that it didn't make a difference. Instead, he looked like I had just hit him over the head and he asked me..." Are you pregnant?" Dude, seriously? If that was the case I would be happily planning how we would be spending all the money we would get from the lawsuit for a screwed up tubal ligation. GEEZ!!
There are changes to body that I've accepted. The wrinkles on my face let me know that I have always smiled alot. Those bags under my eyes mean I don't rest enough. The grey in my hair is respectfully (for the time being) coming in closer to my scalp, well hidden from view. I can get highlights, I like my hair lighter anyway. It has been a hard winter and my legs and feet, OMG the feet are super dry. I officially now have my mom's disgusting scaly, cracked feet. I'm sure I could cut my husband's legs in his sleep if I didn't apply lotion on them. But last month I discovered something new. I was taking my undies off and I saw all these white little flakes in my black pretty undies. At first I thought it was baby powder, till I realized I don't use any. Then it hit me. WTF....who gets dry ass cheeks? Is it just me? Is my skin THAT dry that even my ass cheeks, who never are exposed to the elements, start sloughing skin like a snake?
These days I apply body lotion head to toe when I get out of the shower. My butt cheeks are now happy.
I've started a new chapter in my life that I'm not so willing to begin, but as my husband's better than the alternative. So today I'm opening up my AARP letter. I hear I can get discounts.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Cutting the cord....5 years too late

There was a time when I couldn't wait till all 3 kids turned 18 and move out of the house. I dreamt that when that day came, I would be doing a naked dance around the house with my ball and chain of how ever many years, and I wouldn't have to be so involved in every aspect of their lives. My life would be my own.

HA! The joke is on me.

The happy naked dance never happened.

I'll admit it, I cried when each left, but I knew we had done a good job raising them. I was proud of them and it was time for them to embark on their own journey. Each took their own path, the oldest got married and started his own family, the youngest is on her own and learning to be independent, and my middle son is following his dream.

This past week has taught me a few things about myself as well as having adult children.

My 23 yr old son's fiance went out to visit him in Denver last week and it wasn't the week either of them had envisioned. The life he is leading there is very different than the one he led here. This life doesn't work very well with a long distance relationship. They broke up.

After hearing third party analysis of what happened, I called my son. It broke my heart to hear his voice. It was torn between staying with the band or coming back home to Laura and the life he had here. Our families are intertwined even before they became a couple, so this has affected us all. My son is hurt and confused. I thought of all kinds of ways for this to work out. He could fly home away from everything that is going on there and get a different perspective. I made plans.

I realize that I take charge of situations and try to fix them. Some people may even call it being a control freak, I prefer the nicer version...a control enthusiast. But there comes a time that you have to step back and accept the fact that you did your job and that from now on you have to just be the observer and bite your tongue. This only happened after I spoke to Laura. After I heard her version of what transpired. It's only then, that I went from the mommy part of me, "my poor baby" to the woman in me, "WTF" to the angry mommy side, " I didn't raise him, to act that way".

Going to Denver, I knew was going to be very different for him. We had talked about it. My concerns and fears for him. I was constantly reminded that we had done a good job and he had a good head on his shoulders. But then I had my second conversation with him and I was angry.
Because the stories I heard was not the son I knew, it was not the man I believed him to was not who I raised.

He has only been gone 4 months. Can that change a man so much? That his wants and needs come first at whatever the cost? Has his head become so big from the adulation and having groupies? Dude, it's not the Rolling Stones, you may be big enough in your corner of the world. But....Seriously???

So this Valentine's Day, I have to accept the fact that I can't fix this. That I have to watch the train wreak from the sidelines. I have to believe that we taught him well and at some point he will realize that how he is behaving is not who he is. I may be disappointed in him at this time but I have to believe that this will pass.

Tony is not 3 anymore and I can't make him do or act as I think he should.
I can not mend their broken hearts nor can I make everything all better.

It is hard to completely let go.
It is hard for me to not tell him what I think he should do.
I want to scold him for behaving the way he is.

I want my baby boy back..... but I've had to cut the cord, even though it's 5 years after I should have..

Sunday, February 8, 2009

A Rat Raids My Fridge

Yesterday was our usual Saturday night jam night. Damien had a late show so everyone was here early.

Now let me explain a few things first. After I moved out of my parents home, I would still ask permission to go into their fridge when I was hungry. I've never been the kind that raids someone fridge. EVER. Tony is that way too. He will ask, the other two...not so much. But that's ok..they are mine so it's no big deal.

Last night I came downstairs to get myself a diet coke and saw a piece of bread and a slice of cheese unopened on my counter. Hmmm. As I came downstairs, I had heard someone going back downstairs and I wondered why would anyone be on the first floor. Till I saw the food on the counter. Was someone helping themselves and upon hearing me coming, scamper downstairs? I instantly got pissed. WTF?? Seriously? You are thieving munchies?

I have no problem with everyone coming over here and partying but the first floor is off limits.

Snaking food is definitely not cool.

Of course when I brought this up to David, somehow it got turned around and he went off on a tangent on how he isn't working and how he can't fill the fridge. Blah Blah Blah.

Beer and unemployment doesn't go together well.

As I sit here I realize it's not about being hungry and raiding my fridge but about the sneaky way this person went about it.

What to do.... do I padlock my fridge Saturday nights?

Friday, February 6, 2009

Googling In Search of Tony

I came across this in my quest to find pictures of Tony with the band. The guy that posted it even said he had tons of pics from the show. Naturally I followed the link only to find that his myspace page is private. Now let me explain the issues I have with this. First off...I want to SEE my baby boy. Secondly....private??? WTF???? You want to make your page private, thats fine, but then you shouldn't be able to be nosey and view others at will. Now I could have added him as a friend, but I figured he would think I was some creepy old hag that was trying to befriend him. So I called Laura (who at this moment is out in Denver visiting Tony) to let her know about the pictures and maybe she could befriend this guy. But oh the sweetie was way ahead of me. She not only did she know about it but she had already befriended said guy AND dowloaded all the pics with Tony. I'm not posting all of them (there are alot) but here are some.

In viewing all these band pictures, I realized a few things....I see my son is doing what he loves and is where he is suppose to be at this time in his life. Missing him like crazy but it warmed my heart when the first picture I opened was this...

Then these....

Thursday, February 5, 2009

The Bitch Comes Out

Each day seems to get harder. The money gets tighter and we get more stressed.
Yesterday I said some things to David that later I regretted. After I had a mini freak out and I vomited out words I shouldn't have said, I realized it's not just about me.
Even though he is the quiet, laid back one in our relationship, I didn't take the time to see how all this affects him. I am such a bitch some times that I even disgust myself. Last night I was so ashamed at myself, I couldn't apologize enough. David? Well as usual he took it stride and told it was okay and not to worry about it.

This is a man who has always worked and made sure we were taken care of. He has dinner for me when I get home or will make it once i get here. I go to work and my mind has the chance to NOT think about our situation for at least 8 hours. But for him that's all he thinks about. He is holding it together in his way and since it's not MY way....I don't see it and obviously don't acknowledge it. I feel terrible. I really need to take his feelings at this time into consideration...I'm not the one at home going nuts, worried about my job and my lack of a paycheck. I am not the one feeling like I am not contributing to our household.
If it was me, you know about it cause I would let everyone know how I felt..I would be crying and feeling sorry for myself. But David is not me and he just is quiet and trying to help in other ways around the house, as he waits for his boss to tell him there is work.
I need to learn how to be quiet sometimes

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Time to Pull Up the Big Girl Panties

This past week isn't any different than the last few months. The only thing that changed was my perception of what is going on here. I opened my eyes and I hit the wall. Reality set in.
David has been out of work since Thanksgiving and what I make every month doesn't cover all the bills. So naturally the deck of cards was slowly crumbling. I had hope though...I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I was making big plans for my birthday with the girls and then a side trip with David and another couple. This won't last, I convinced myself...we'll be okay. I was cheerful till I took Friday off to get some business taken care of.

The realization of how bad the situation is, came crashing in on me. I knew it was could I not know? I knew. I just KNEW it was all going to be okay, so I was still hopeful..till Friday.
Friday coupled with David getting in an accident in my car this week, put me over the top. Even though the accident wasn't his fault and we have full's just too much.

I made a list. (I love making lists). I started with the mortgage company...I had already called and have been getting documents together to work out our mess. But this time I got some asshole, who basically made me feel like shit. He didn't give any hope, just hey pay or you lose your house. I paid my mortgage, but this guy drew the grim picture. I ended up sobbing when I got off the phone. As I scramble to keep everything afloat..there are some things that are falling by the wayside. And now the light at the end of the tunnel as been extinguished.

David is leaving this week to do a side job out of town. So I will be alone for a week, maybe two.
He wants Anjelika to come and stay here while he is gone. Me? I think I'd rather be alone with my thoughts.

Yesterday, we took care of some more things and we may just barely squeak by.
I feel like we are 20 yrs old again and starting out instead of where we were just this past summer. I'm going backwards instead of forward. Friday I just wanted to run away...leave it all behind. But then what? Where would we go? What would we do? I know there are people out there alot worse off than we are. I can sympathize. I am scared for the first time in over 28 years. I have already let go off the luxuries. We have the basics. So for now we are hanging on.

After I was done paying the bills and saw what was left.. wow..our bank account hasn't been this low in soooo long. I freaked out.

So I laid down and slept..... tomorrow is another day.