Sunday, June 28, 2009

Just like Christmas...Gone in a Flash.

My friend Mary said it best. "Just like Christmas. We look forward to Tony coming home for so long...then he's gone is a flash! :( "

On Wed. Forth Yeer had a show at Beat Kitchen (great food...great venue) with The Wanderers and The Blind Staggers (Damien's band). They got in at 9am in order for Tony to spend some time with family and friends. In true Tony fashion he was so excited to be coming home, that he hadn't slept in 24 hours and wasn't planning on it either. After visiting all morning, he finally took a nap so he could play that evening.

Damien's drummer Sara couldn't make the show so he had to put together musicians to play his music. It was definitely different than the CD but those guys playing and Laura singing....WOW.

I had to borrow a camcorder (something else to put on my list of need to buy) but I'm missing the cable thingy that connects from the camcorder to the computer. I will be getting one this week and then posting the best ones. They look great on the camcorder, hopefully it looks and sounds that good once I download.

Laura was recordered but the sound and quality isn't that great. But something is something.

Once his show was over, Damien called Tony up on stage to play with him.
Even though it wasn't planned and they haven't played together in awhile, it was fantastic to see them together again. It was wonderful to hear the crowd singing along but when Damien told Tony that is was the most fun he had all night....well this Mom cried buckets.

Hormones and Meltdowns

Is it that my hormones are out of whack or am I losing it??? In the past few weeks I have gone from teary eyed to downright sobbing. I mean the ugly cry. You know the ugly cry. The face, snot, wailing sounds...yeah, the ugly cry.

It started out of nowhere as me and David ordered burgers. I even had to put my sunglasses on so no one would notice, including him. Yeah..that didn't work. That started the questions, what did he do or say. Gotta love guys, they automatically think they've done something wrong. Which most of the time they have...but not this time. I couldn't even talk as I ate my burger through tears. I thought about it as we rode home on the bike with the sun shining down on us. It was such a gorgeous day.....and I'm in tears. GEEZ!!!! Though I had been crying for a few weeks, it was the first time I had cried in front of anyone and had to explain what I felt.

When we got home, Lucy had some "splaining" to do. Wow, where do I start? I feel like time is running out and I haven't explored the things I want to do. Haven't taken the time to do things I enjoy doing. The kids are grown and mostly out (well, baby girl is back) and my life is still revolving around everyone else. What they are doing and how they feel. Why? Why do I keep doing this? There are things I enjoy but I have no one to enjoy them with. I don't do things by myself. So I don't do them. I'm going to need to learn how to, otherwise I'm never going to do anything, and it will be the vicious circle.

I told David that even though I enjoy music and love watching our kids perform, it's his passion and their passion....not mine. I love art and photography. He use to paint in oils and hasn't in like 20 or more years. He says it's because he doesn't have the time. When we moved from Miami to Lancaster,Ca, he gave away everything, all his art stuff. Though he supports anything I do and gives me constructive criticism, he hasn't been interested in pursuing painting again. I would love for us to share that.

Instead of seeing myself as a blubbering idiot once again, I decided to make some changes. I want to create more, take some art classes....I want to take photography classes...I want to....I need more me stuff. Ribfest was my first step. But obviously afternoon festing is not my thing unless there is beer involved. So early festing is the answer. It inspires me and gets the creative juices flowing. It just gives me that feel good high. Add booze and that's just perfection.

The big birthday is around the corner and nipping at my heels. So I want the Canon Rebel as my present. There is a photography studio that holds classes right by work. I'm going to enroll. There is an art studio on my way home from work....going to enroll in some classes there too. I'm tired of just rearranging stuff in my studio and not creating.

Here are some pictures of what I've been doing since my meltdown on poor David. I've also included a picture of how David spent Father's day.....pouring concrete in order to get ready for Tony's arrival (that's a post all on it's own....oh I cried buckets then too, but for different reasons)

Custer's Last Stand Festival - Went with my boss and had a blast. Inspiration galore!!! She is exactly like me and we went early and left as the place was getting packed.
Even though it was sweltering hot....I came home and started these....
Though they only have a few layers and they are not done, at least it's a start.
And it was so worth the sunburn.... OUCH!

We took Desi to the lake...ah to see sand and water through the eyes of a child.
He walked into the water like a man possessed. Isn't there a movie where Bill Murray does that?

And finally....Father's Day in Ritzland.

We now were ready for Tony's arrival.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Moment of Silence for Michael Jackson

It was October 1984. Damien was 4 years old and loved all that was Michael Jackson. We finally were in a good place financially and since we only had Damien and weren't planning on any more kids (HA!), we decided to indulge our only child and take him to his first concert. We didn't tell him where we were taking him, but to see that boy's eyes light up the moment Michael Jackson took the stage is still priceless to me. That's all the boy talked about for weeks.

Both David and I grew up watching the Jackson5 get famous. I loved watching Michael dance, it was truly amazing. On Thursday as we were relaxing in our hotel room celebrating the beginning of our anniversary weekend, we got a call from Tony, who had just left Chicago for the next leg of his own tour, to tell us Michael Jackson had died. Although Tony didn't grow up during MJ's rise, he was a huge fan. He considered him a musical genius.

We sat in our hotel room transfixed to the TV watching CNN and MTV. Unbelievable to think he was only 50 and now he is gone.

Another legend dies.............

Monday, June 15, 2009

Ribfest with a Toddler

Have I gotten THAT old?

Yesterday was finally a warm sunny day here in Chicago and we decided we wanted to go to one of the neighborhood festivals. We also knew Desi was being dropped off since both Emilie and Damien had to work in the afternoon. David (in all his wonderful wisdom) said we'd just take him along.

First off...As I've gotten older, I realize I don't like big crowds, extreme heat, and small children. Okay, maybe not the small children but the parents of said children. What's with this generation of parents? I have child...therefore I am...attitude? Within an hour of being there,I was ready to punch someone in the face. I should have just had a beer. Which I kept repeating to David as I passed each beer stand.

Ribfest was PACKED at 3 in the afternoon. It was a sea of people....with their strollers. Did I say strollers and packed? It was shoulder to shoulder...yet there were strollers in the street. Drunk people and strollers is just a catastrophe waiting to happen. Can you tell that we didn't bring one and that I never got my beer?

Aside from the fact that I had to deal with obnoxious parents getting pissed that the sea of people didn't part as they tried to maneuver their Cadillacs of strollers around the crowd, the thought of trying to eat ribs with your elbows tucked in so that someone wouldn't bump into you and have your ribs going flying....well, it was too much.

After we let Desi go apeshit in some type of maze contraption, I was more than ready to go home, not because of him, but because by this time, I had tripped over a gazillion damn strollers. David commented on how good Desi was and that he wasn't whining or complaining...his grandmother was. Yeah? And? Your point?

So here I have a few pointers for going to these great summer festivals for the anxious, impatient, parents get on your nerves...type of people like me.

a) Hit and Run....go early, eat, check out the vendors...listen to some tunes and get the hell out when it gets crowded to where you can't extend an arm.

b) If you have kids and you are going mid day...leave the strollers at home...or the attitude....I understand the stroller thing..but the attitude? no.


See, I know that if I would have had a few beers in me, I would have been a happy camper and not cared about ANYTHING. Crowds, parents, strollers... or maybe I would have really punched someone in the face. Either way...I wouldn't have been cranky and needed a nap.

But the day wasn't about me...SHOCK...I was about taking Desi out. David was right, the kid was great. He couldn't complain...he had the best seat in the house. I know because I had the same seat 30 years ago and 30 pounds ago when I got tired too.

On a side note...I know I have been MIA lately. Sorry. I've been going through a thing. I will address it all soon. My anniversary is next week and Tony is coming through Chicago while touring. Will give details this week of all my fun plans and my not so fun patch I've been dealing with.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head

Literally it rained IN my house and ON my head last Friday. Needless to say, we fired the plumber.

We finally were going to build the master bathroom of our dreams. Can you say bathroom heaven??? I had visions of my own personal spa every night after work. David was installing all kinds of doodads. Things to warm the towels as well as our buttcheeks on cold winter days. Marble and granite all around me as I take my rain shower and mist or relax sore muscles in the jaccuzzi. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We are even installing a bidet. How European of us huh?
There were a few other plumbing work we needed to have done before running the pipes up 2 flights. I didn't think much about it. I knew there would be concrete dug up in the basement. I would be minus washer and dryer for a couple of weeks, but all worth the sacrifice.

That was until I came home from an exhausting day at work to find dirt...YES DIRT paths from the basement door into my kitchen and through the dining room and up the stairs. WTF??? And the plumber? He was done for the day. The stuff under my sink thrown to the side on the floor. Dirt was everywhere!
David is an electrician and has done general construction. I know for a fact that if he has worked in a house where people are actually living while renovating.....he has cleaned up after himself each day. No dirt paths.

I was beyong angry and he came home and was not too pleased though not for the same reasons. Seems the plumbing was going in crooked. David can do plumbing but since he is not confident in it, he wanted a professional. He said, even he would have done a better job, he had a talk with the guy. When Friday rolled around and Chicago had a torrid rainfall....that was the last straw. There was water coming in from who knows where he poked through and seeping down the dining room wall. As I was inspecting the wall.....raindrops fell on my head.

That's it.... YOU'RE FIRED!!!

A friend of ours is a union plumber and his son is an apprentice and they are doing the job now after he heard waht happened. What is it costing us? An old Harley that Anjelika was riding. Though baby girl isn't too happy about it, she understands. Trade off is she wants to be able to use our bathroom once and awhile. Now I'm saying yes yes yes to anything...I just want my house back in order and calgon to take me away.

Here is the chaos that is our to begin again next week.

I Am The Boss of You

Last month I was promoted to supervisor of the Cardiology Lab. Eight years ago, two of the cardiologists I worked with at the hospital joined a group that was starting a Chicago branch. They recruited me to head the lab but since I had to go through the main office there were obstacles to me coming on board. One of them being money, the other my benefits. After so many years at the hospital, I really didn't want to start over. So I turned them down and I would help out on my day off and do testing. In less than a year they had gone through two techs and approached me again. This time I stated what I needed in order to come on board and also what I could offer them. Again we couldn't come to an agreement. As for the docs, they apologized since that part was out of their hands. I came to learn that this was a big group with offices in 3 of the western suburbs, board of directors, blah, blah, blah. I wasn't too upset, I had my job. But then a few incidents happened that thoroughly pissed me off and one of the docs told me I would never advance there. I took vacation time.....I was pissed and needed downtime. As my time off was coming to an end, I told David I didn't want to go back, so he told me to quit. I knew I wouldn't...couldn't do that. My last morning off, I greeted him by again saying I didn't want to go back and he sleepily answered, "So quit". That morning I got a call from the Chicago office manager offering me the job again, without thinking I answered YES. When David got up I told him what I did. I was in shock...what did I do? What about the money, the benefits? I'm going backwards... I'm going into the unknown.

Thank God she called me back. Seems I shocked her as much as I shocked myself and she wanted to make sure I had accepted. Thankfully they had agreed on the things I had asked for. Whew! Two weeks later I was reorganizing the lab.

Seven years later we have grown from 2 docs to 8 docs... from 2 receptionists to 3 with 2 M.A.'s, 3 nurses, 1 nurse practitioner, 1 research nurse, 1 asst. manager and 5 techs, including myself.

Things have been running smoothly and we finally have a full staff. As we grew, I went from tech to testing coordinator ( which to me sounded like a glorified scheduler) and now supervisor. Since I started I headed the testing lab, I ran daily operations. I seriously didn't think that what I was doing was much different than being the supervisor. HA! boy was I wrong.

The daily operations portion isn't bad, there are quite a bit of things the office manager took care of that I didn't have to do. Now I am. The sucky part of the job that I didn't anticipate....the actual supervising of others. Things do change once those same people you work with now see you as their boss and there always has to be a squeaky wheel. To say I was overwhelmed this past month is an understatement. Thankfully I have a great office manager that is not only my boss but has become a friend. She saw me sinking and offered her hand. It's now a transition, which basically means I can do what I do best and work together on the drama and BS.

I am breathing easier if the drama and BS could be handed off as easily at home...I'd be all good.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Road Rage-The New Generation

Yesterday I decided to go over to Barnes and Noble to pick up Jen Lancaster's (she's hilarious, go check her out) new book Pretty in Plaid, with Desi in tow. Though I wasn't in a huge hurry, I found myself stuck behind a woman going 10..ok maybe 20 in a 35 MPH zone. OMG!!! I wanted to pull my hair out. I don't do well in traffic. Yes, I've lived in Chicago most of my life but I have zero patience. There was no way to get around her either. Just as I was ready to say something out loud, baby boy yells GO, GO GO.

I turn around and see him bent sideways looking between the seats at the car ahead of us. As I laughed, I could have sworn I heard "Oh Shit....GO GO GO" So I say "what did you say?" and he repeats it.....3 times. Ok, I did hear right.

Now I'm thinking.....hmmmm, either that boy reads minds or maybe what I was thinking, I actually may or may not have said out loud.

I'll stick to the fact that he may be psychic.....and Mima has learned that he is now repeating EVERYTHING he hears.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

You Like Me! You Really Like Me!

Presently there are 125 posts in my Google Reader waiting for me to read. And that's only because I haven't had a chance to read in 3 days. I love to blog hop and check out different blogs. My biggest problem is that I don't always comment. I always plan on going back and leaving a little snippet and then ......I forget. I should tie a string around my finger before I open up my Google Reader. ANYWAYS.... Midlife Musings over at Midlife and Beyond bestowed upon me a lovely award. My first! YEA FOR ME!!! Go check her out, I'll wait.

Now that you're back here are the rules:

1) Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link.

2) Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you've newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

I Need a Martini Mom - Vodka Mom has been around for awhile and has quite the following, but I haven't and don't. So she is new to me. Her stories make me laugh and touch my heart.

The Fifty Factor - After reading one of her posts, I had to start at the beginning. Need I say more? Menopause and humor. I'm there.

Kristabella - She lives in the city and has great stories to tell. Plus I follow her tweets, they amuse me.

Violence Unsilenced - Because no human being should have to go through any of this. Because my best friend went through similar circumstances at a time no one talked about it. She told me years later, I wish I knew back then and could have helped.

Menopausal Stoners - Trish reminds me of my best friend in NY who is 10 yrs older then me and makes the worst poster child for a "Say No to Drugs" campaign. If you saw her you would never think she may think she would be uptight. She would just rather have a joint than a martini.

Metrodad - Having kids make for some great stories. He has the same type of humor as my oldest son and my DIL. Therefore he is hilarious

Empty Spaces - I'm trying to learn how to take better pictures. The pictures he posts are thought provoking and they inspire me. He gives proper credit and that's a plus.

Blah, Blah, Blahg - Miss B always has something pretty and she gives pointers on digital photography.

47 and Starting Over - Julie takes you along on her new journey and the fact that she has a warning label on her blog....well that won me over.

BlackBird - I love to people watch. She takes it to a whole new level and you are right there.

Expensive Mistakes and Cheap Thrills - Gotta love her blog design. Always interesting.

Jen Lancaster - When I read her book Such a Pretty Fat , I ran back to Borders and bought the other two. Then I had to meet her and have my book signed. I became a huge stalker/fan. Toma toe/tomato.

Everyday Adventures of Me In The City - Jessica is in her 20's and lives in the city. Ahhh to be in my twenty's again. She talks about good places to eat here.

Women Over 40 Rock - Talent.

Polymath Chronicles - Another Chicago author, Stacey Ballis makes a mean Mionetini

So there you have it. Now to go catch up on the now 128 posts in my Reader.

Friday, May 1, 2009

An Old Friend Becomes A New Friend

"The best mirror is an old friend."- George Herbert

My awkward stage had to have been between the ages of twelve and fourteen. I had gained a huge amount of weight and hit puberty. At 15, I lost the weight and along with it, gained some self esteem. But at 13 I just wanted the Earth to swallow me whole.

Jackie was the new girl in school. She was quiet. I thought she was so pretty. She ended up hanging with my small group of friends. We were friends, maybe not BFF's but friends just the same. Jackie was an artist. At the age of 14 she painted a mural for a local restaurant. She was amazingly talented, and did I say pretty? Very pretty.

We ended up going to the same high school. We even took art class together. I remember her hands being constantly covered in remnants of paint. Besides the murals she painted, she could paint realistic portraits. I never shared the art I created. I was intimated by her talent and never believed I had any. Looking at all the art she created inspired me even though I did mine secretly. I now know better. What I created was just different than what she did. And that's OK. It was just not OK to me as a teenager. It didn't fit what I believed an artist to be. She was an artist and an avid reader. We had alot in common but somehow our friendship fizzled. It's not like we had a fight or even a disagreement. During our junior and senior years, even though we still talked, we didn't hang together that much. I thought she was interested in me being her friend.

Cut to March of 2009, Jackie finds me on She now lives in California, is married and has two kids. One boy 18 and one girl who is 2 4.We begin to email each other every other day. We are not only learning about each others lives but also digging way ways that are so much easier when it's not face to face. What is so different now in comparison to then, is that we are both more open and honest about ourselves. Who we are now and even who we were then. We expose all to each other, the good, the bad, and the uglies. Raw honesty.

I've learned alot about her and even about myself back then. With my low self esteem, I always figured that she didn't want to hang anymore. The fact is that she was painfully shy and had the same issues herself. Wow, and I thought she had everything going for her. Goes to show how wrong our perception of others can be.

We now have tons in common and have been showing off our art, sharing recipes, and just enjoying getting to know each other in a whole new light. We both agree, we have rekindled our friendship at the perfect time. We can laugh about turning 50 soon and complain about our bodies.

Jackie is coming in June for her nephew's graduation. We can't wait to get together.

Now I have a laundry list of to-do's before then. Is there a way I could diet away 25 pounds in a month without sweating or giving up chocolate? Get rid of my wrinkles without spending tons of $$$. Is there a miracle cream that works to some degree? My grays can be easily taken care of. No worries there. Now to find a cute outfit that makes me look thin...OK thinner. I basically want to look like I did at 35. But I'll settle for a kick ass 49.

I plan on looking fanfuckingtastic.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Get Use to it Kid

Damien came by yesterday and before he even got Desi out of the car, he shows me something similar to this....

"Do you see that? It's a gray hair....feel that."

It's got a wiry texture to it and it sticks out there for all to see.

Nut up buddy. It's only the beginning.

So why is seeing a gray hair on my 29 year old son's head more disturbing to me than my own?

Maybe cause mine have the decency to hide under bangs.....oh and also hair dye.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

The Prom is for Assholes Extravaganza

I was reading Vodkamom's post on her daughter's broken heart and being dumped weeks before prom. It reminded me of Anjleika's prom fiasco and it pissed me off all over again. What the hell goes on in the mind of these teenage boys? Seriously, what possesses them to do this to a girl just before prom? After the dress is bought and arrangements made, not to mention the fact that the girl looks forward to her big night. It's suppose to be magical, her chance to get all dressed up and feel like a princess.

When this happened to my baby girl (she is now 22), I was out for blood. I was fuming. But nothing prepares you for the hurt and sadness you see in your daughters face. I, as usual wanted to fix it. I suggested she go stag (nope), I offered to take her out (nope), then I had a brilliant idea. We would throw our own prom party and call it... TA DA...Prom Is For Assholes. ( Yes, I set a great example). She got a kick out of that and started the party planning. Everyone would be dressed in prom attire. At least she would be able to wear her dress. Her oldest brother offered to be the DJ. Word spread that it was the party to be at. Her best buddy, Kirby was her date, who happened to end up being her boyfriend a couple of years later. I set up a backdrop for "prom" pictures and she made a banner.....

Prom is For Assholes.

There were over 40 people all dressed up and ranging in ages 17-50. There was Jamba Juice for those 21 and over and punch for those under. We had a great time and the party ended in the wee hours of the morning. We had a bunch of kids spend the night and the adults gave rides to those that had to go home.

The best part was seeing just how happy my daughter was and telling her friends that this was better than any damn prom she would have gone to.

To those stupid my daughter's words....hell with you, I'll throw my own damn party.

Prom Queen

and her date


Damien the DJ

Prom Pics:

Prom is over and the princess sleeps.........

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Brother-Sister Love; Photobooth Proof

So.... maybe it's because they share a love for music by Lucero,

Maybe it's because they are adults now and embrace the brother-sister bond,

Or maybe it's because it was 2am and they were both really drunk.

Anjelika's birthday present from Damien and Emilie this year was a Lucero show at Metro, and a night out partying at Smartbar and at Gingerman. Emilie ended up leaving early. With the joys of motherhood come the fact that you can't hang like you use to. At this stage in Desi's life, she is tired earlier and partytime isn't what it use to be either.
Before Lucero went on they ran into Damien's old grade school buddy who happen to be out with his little sister too. Then after the show they headed downstairs to Smartbar where they ended up meeting and talking to Ben the singer/guitar player in the band. Damien spoke with him for awhile and Anjelika is convinced that he is her brother's man crush.

So between Lucero, Gingerman and Smartbar, they bonded. They shared the love.

And at 6am I awoke to my darling daughter eating a sandwich and smiling from ear to ear in a drunken stupor. She had just gotten in and wanted to let me know that Damien was able to get out of the cab without falling onto the sidewalk. She made sure he got home okay.

Awww, how sweet.....they DO look out for each other.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Hello Ritz? Death here

Friday's always bring me great joy. I bounce into work proclaiming it to be "Fun Friday" no matter what kind of day I know I'll have. It's all in the attitude. This past Friday was going to be better than any I've had in the past 6 months. Why was this day so special? David got called back to work. YEA!! We can now start climbing out of near financial ruin. The best news? My boob test is NORMAL! Hell yea. I was doing the happy dance and riding the happy train.

Then it"Fun Friday" turned into "Fuck Friday".

It all started with an incident at work, towards the end of the day and then I got a phone call from my aunt. The phone call changed everything. My emotions, attitude, priorities, my view on family and life. It's strange how one phone call can do that. At that moment the situation at work was trivial.

Roberto, my dad's best friend died. He had gone to walk the dog. His wife found him sitting in his chair with his coat still on. She thought he had fallen back asleep. He wasn't breathing and there was no pulse. By the time the paramedics came there was nothing they could do. He was 79. The same age my dad would have been today. I just saw him last Monday when he had stopped by my office to say hello. He would do that when he was in the neighborhood. He would come in say hello and then go to my aunt's house to reminisce and talk politics. He was 79 but looked like he was 60. A good looking 60. The type of man that made younger women's head turn. Charming? Very. I remember bartending some Christmas parties at the hotel he worked at when I was younger. He was the bar manager then and women would line up on his side to order drinks. We made a game out of seeing who had the most tips at the end of the night. Though I raked in some serious cash, he always won. He was 59 then.

My dad and his sisters were friends with Roberto before I was even born. He is in all the pictures of any of our family occasions. My favorite picture is of my dad and him at a picnic when I was 6. Something about that picture says so much about their friendship to me.

My emotions are more than just about his passing. It's about my dad, my two aunt's who are in their 70's also, and my own mortality. I left work and went to my aunt's house. There they were with Roberto's other best buddy, Ray. I walked in to find Ray crying. I've only seen him cry one
other time in my 49 years. That was when my dad died.
I miss you both.



Monday, April 13, 2009

The Twins are Pissed But They Got Lovely Parting Gifts

About two months ago, while showering I found a lump on my left breast. I ran my fingers across it as I was taught to do. Yes, it is there, it's not my imagination. I also found another smaller one on the same one. Then, I did the other breast. Okay, there's definitely something there, because the right one is lump-free. I'm quietly freaking out in the shower trying to calm myself down by telling myself that I've always felt something. In my 20's every month I was convinced I had breast cancer. I felt all kinds of lumps. My doctor told me I had fibrocystic disease. Basically, I'm lumpy. So at some point in my 30's I stopped going to see my gyne. I know, I know, I'm stupid. I've scoured the internet to make sure that I did the self breast exam properly. Everywhere I looked, I read the same thing.... From the Mayo clinic on women's health:

"The best time to perform a breast self-exam is about a week after the start of your period. That's when your breasts are least likely to be tender or swollen. Your breast tissue undergoes changes each month during your menstrual cycle. Changes in hormone levels associated with menstruation cause your breasts to swell. Once your period starts, the swelling subsides and your breasts return to normal."

So what happens when Mable stops her monthly visit? Or in my case, comes whenever she feels like, stays as long as she feels like and brings more chaos? When is the right time? Does it make a difference when I do it? Does this mean that since I missed yet another period, the timing for self breast examination is up for grabs?

Last month I made an appointment with a new gyne. Why? Because it had been so long since I've gone, that my old gyne died. New gyne is great, she has wrinkles around her eyes and mouth. She is around my age. She understands everything I'm complaining about, not because she learned this from some medical book but because she is going through the same shit. Yea....I can bitch and complain and she'll get it!!!
She asked me when I had my last period. Mabel? Oh that bitch hasn't come to visit since I think December, or was that November? Hmmm, somewhere around there. But then last month I don't think it was really her, it might have been have evil sister Bertha. The one who drops in for a day, is a lightweight and just makes enough of a mess. I'm sure all of you have met her at one time or another. She tells me I have to count her too. I'm told to diligently keep track of my period. Really? I haven't done that since I decided to do my part and stop contributing to the world population by having a tubal ligation. In order to be menopausal, Mabel and Bertha stop coming around completely for a full year. Time to start tracking again. I'm perimenopausal... a prelude to the big M. So everything I'm feeling can get worse?? Greaaaaaaaaat.

Yesterday, I had my mammogram. The technician was sweet and helpful. She showed me how the new machine is now digital. Well that's cool but does it still squish the boob? That's all I cared about. Yes, it still does. I wasn't too pleased that after I was contorted into an uncomfortable position (and humiliated when she had to push my belly fat out of the way) I had to go through a redo, because I didn't relax and muscle obscured the image. Relax??? Are you *&($#@# kidding me?

Well, I got through it. I will get my results next week. Unlike my husband, I'm not too worried. I had my freak out, now I'll deal with whatever comes my way. My advise now is to follow the rules. Have a yearly checkup, mammogram and pap smear. Early detection is crucial.

The highlight for me? They now give you pasties. Well, the technician called them something else and what they were for. Please......whatever, they are pasties in my book. I couldn't wait to get home and flash my husband. Yes, of course I left them on. And of course I had to take a picture. Okay, maybe not of me actually wearing them, (cause besides my husband, who would really wants to see natural 49 year old boobs that breastfed three times?) but close enough.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

AH HELL NO!!! She's Moving Back In

Baby girl has been busy rearranging stuff in the basement. She is clearly impressed with the job she is doing. The announcement to "come see what I've done so far" and " look at how I'm cleaning your basement" are regularly heard around here. But seriously, how impressed can I be when the crap she is clearing up and rearranging, is the crap she left here when she moved out....TWICE!
The child moving out doesn't necessarily mean that all their crap goes with them. Oh no. Why should it? Mom and dad have enough space in the big old house. House, facility it is not. Do any other parents with adult children have these problems?? The kids get apartments that don't accommodate all the stuff they have accumulated through their years. But of course they can't get rid of it, so it stays here. I have to admit I did the same to my mom but what did she do? She gave it all to a friend to sell at the flea market. When I found out, I was angry and appalled that she took this upon herself without asking me first. She told me that it was in her house and that I hadn't even realized it was missing in the first place. She was right. Anything really important she shipped it to me in California, at her expense. After all it had been 7 years since I had moved out of her house.

David is thrilled his little buddy is moving back to the nest. Me? Not so much.

Don't get me wrong. I love her and all, it's just that..... how do I put this.


Her sarcasm and bitchiness is more than I can handle these days.

And to be honest....there can only be ONE sarcastic bitch around here.


Death of The Easter Bunny

That was the news we (meaning me) had to tell our kids this weekend. The oldest(29) took it in stride, the middle one(23) is in Denver and was missing out anyway ( meaning he doesn't care this year), the baby(22)...well, she feels since the oldest is 7 years older than her, she is entitled to 7 more years of visits from the Easter Bunny as well as Santa Claus. She is still hoping those wisdom teeth come in wrong, so they can be pulled and the tooth fairy will visit.

David says the recession killed the Easter Bunny for us.... I think he did it. He's been planning it for years just because the kids grew up. Pfffft!

Damien is with his in laws this weekend out in the burbs. The Easter Bunny will visit Desi there.

But I know that the Easter Bunny left him an egg with a little cha-ching inside and put it in the mailbox. The bunny will live on!

Happy Easter to all.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Spring in Chicago

There is Chicago.

It's still coming down, and the weather channel says we are getting 1-3 inches.

I just put my winter stuff away dammit!

Sunday, March 29, 2009

He's On His Way...Home Sweet Home

It's been a busy few weeks here.
We've been stripping the old paint off and changing up the living room.
Moving furniture around and throwing things out.
Everything has to be done by Wednesday night.
Tony will be coming home for a week or so before the CD release show and touring begins.
He is homesick and wants to recharge.

My laptop went to Dell and it's in the process of being fixed.
Hopefully I will have it home soon and I can post all the other stuff that's been going on around here.

Some of the things I feel the need to blog about....

1. An old grade school friend finding me ...and no ...not from facebook.
2. A trip to the gyne after over 14 yrs... Yeah I know...don't yell at me.
3. Mammograms
4. Peri menopause and Panic attacks
5. Updates on the rest of the clan
6 New things at the office

Till then....

Monday, March 16, 2009

The Disco Queen Died

Quick note: My laptop died and I am waiting for Dell to fix it. I have my Storm to carry me through as much as possible till I get it back.

Back in the mid to late seventies, disco was the rage. My taste in music was (even now) eclectic to say the least. It always depended on my mood and/or who I was hanging out with. If I was at home or cleaning, it was salsa or old Cuban music (Ala Buena Vista Social Club). Party music meant rock and if I felt like dancing well....there was disco. There were friends to dance with, another to rock out with and never the twain shall meet.

In the eighties, I started going to Metro/SmartBar. It was a great rock club (still is). We would wonder over to SmartBar even when weren't seeing a band play. I had my own live show once when I walked into the bathroom and found a couple doing their own live performance in one of the stalls. Ahhhh, the good times.

Last weekend Damien told me that Metro had grandparents day for Baby Loves Disco. Metro? Really? A rock club is doing this? He asked me if I wanted to take Desi and that Emilie was working. Since my grandson can shake it to salsa and hip hop, as well as head bang to hardcore and metal, I figured he would have a good time.

Walking into the place made me think of old times and my youth. I remember the wasted shows and drunken nights at the bar. Since it was disco themed, I thought of the days of dancing the night away (though not at Metro). Oh yeah.....until the swarm of toddlers filled the club. My, my, my, have times changed.

The music started and I was a bit perplexed. Since when was ELO, Michael McDonald, The Cars or Asia considered disco? It was not music I ever liked either. They did play some Bee Gees, Prince and Michael Jackson, but still...where was Gloria Gaynor, Ohio Players, Chic, or the Queen herself...Donna Summers???

So as the music played and kids danced around, my grandson was more fascinated by the bubble machine.

Even he knew..... This is NOT disco.

When Monday rolled around I was in pain. Unlike days gone by, my pain was not from a hangover or from dancing. The days of drunkenly running up and down those stairs gave way to slowly carrying a 2 yr old. I had back pain and my thighs were burning.

Disco is dead and so is this queen.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

The Death Box

There are conversations we have throughout our lives that make us un-comfortable, make us squirm in our seats just a bit. They are conversations that need to be had for one reason or another. We may not like it, but we understand the importance of it. At times we may delay them but we know that the words have to be said.

As we get older, we start to think about our own mortality. I started thinking about mine, right after having a heart attack at 46. Thoughts of death and dying clung to me for months. On the outside, no one knew that I felt like I had already died. It took quite along time for me stop fearing life and embrace the one I do have.

We watched The Bucket List this week. Aside from the fact that it is funny, it's the type of movie that makes you think, long after the movie is done. Basically the movie is about two men who are about to die that decide to create a list of things they want to accomplish before they kick the bucket, hence, The Bucket List.

When the movie was over, we told each other what would be on our own list. Without giving any of the plot away, I can see David being the Morgan Freeman character. The man that has given completely of himself for his family and needs to do things just for himself before it's his time to go. As we laughed about the things on our list, we began THE CONVERSATION, the one we've put off, the one that makes us uncomfortable. What will we do when the other dies.

We realized we don't really know the others last wishes. I know David has no clue about the what, where, and when. He would be lost when it came to life insurance, our finances, my personal things, OMG my art supplies! And as usual, he came up with an idea that was both smart and humorous. Okay maybe only to us, but it works.

The Death Box.

In it will be our will that we are in the process of doing, the living will in case we get sick and can't make a decision about our healthcare, insurance papers, and all the names and numbers of what needs to be taken care of financially. It will be easy to get to and everything in one place. It serves to reduce the stress when the time comes. It's something we all need to do but sadly many of us don't.

When my mother was told she didn't have much time left, she showed me where all her important papers where. She told my stepfather and I what she wanted for her funeral and then signed the do not resuscitate papers.

I can not imagine making any decisions the day she died. In the end she was still mom, she took care of everything. That week I was in a fog and she allowed me to grieve without having to make any decisions.

We want to give each other and our children that freedom.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Not Ready to Be a Proud Card Carrying Member

The envelope came this week. To be honest, it came as a bit of a surprise. I really thought the mailman made a mistake.....till I saw my name on it. Wait a minute here, I'm not 50 yet. I haven't wrapped my head around the fact yet.... that I'll be 50 in September. WOW! It's not that I don't KNOW I'll be 50 this year and in some ways I've been preparing for what I want to do for my birthday. But there is a difference between planning a getaway to a spa and a boozy filled weekend with the girls and shoving a "Hey yo, yeah you, you're old" card in my face. Nope, I'm not ready for that.
I stared at the envelope. I didn't open it, just stared at it. Then, as if it was some secret letter I had to hide from everyone, I quickly shoved it in my purse without even opening it. There it sits, hidden between my checkbook and my make up bag.
Getting older isn't a big deal to me or so I thought, until a few months ago when I missed my period. Since puberty I've been like clockwork. Hence, when each time I got pregnant I knew right away that I was. Before this happened, I couldn't wait till menopause came so I wouldn't have to deal with that anymore. It's not like I was going to have any more kids, I got my tubes tied years ago so I saw no point in having my life interrupted every month with cramps, bloating and spending money on tampons.
The day that I realized that I actually missed my period, I cried. Instead of being thrilled as I always imagined I would be, I mourned my loss. My forgetfulness and foggy brain these past few months weren't stress related as I had thought it was. It's the beginning of menopause.
Through tears, I told David I missed my period. I needed him to wrap his arms around me and tell it me it was okay and that it didn't make a difference. Instead, he looked like I had just hit him over the head and he asked me..." Are you pregnant?" Dude, seriously? If that was the case I would be happily planning how we would be spending all the money we would get from the lawsuit for a screwed up tubal ligation. GEEZ!!
There are changes to body that I've accepted. The wrinkles on my face let me know that I have always smiled alot. Those bags under my eyes mean I don't rest enough. The grey in my hair is respectfully (for the time being) coming in closer to my scalp, well hidden from view. I can get highlights, I like my hair lighter anyway. It has been a hard winter and my legs and feet, OMG the feet are super dry. I officially now have my mom's disgusting scaly, cracked feet. I'm sure I could cut my husband's legs in his sleep if I didn't apply lotion on them. But last month I discovered something new. I was taking my undies off and I saw all these white little flakes in my black pretty undies. At first I thought it was baby powder, till I realized I don't use any. Then it hit me. WTF....who gets dry ass cheeks? Is it just me? Is my skin THAT dry that even my ass cheeks, who never are exposed to the elements, start sloughing skin like a snake?
These days I apply body lotion head to toe when I get out of the shower. My butt cheeks are now happy.
I've started a new chapter in my life that I'm not so willing to begin, but as my husband's better than the alternative. So today I'm opening up my AARP letter. I hear I can get discounts.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Cutting the cord....5 years too late

There was a time when I couldn't wait till all 3 kids turned 18 and move out of the house. I dreamt that when that day came, I would be doing a naked dance around the house with my ball and chain of how ever many years, and I wouldn't have to be so involved in every aspect of their lives. My life would be my own.

HA! The joke is on me.

The happy naked dance never happened.

I'll admit it, I cried when each left, but I knew we had done a good job raising them. I was proud of them and it was time for them to embark on their own journey. Each took their own path, the oldest got married and started his own family, the youngest is on her own and learning to be independent, and my middle son is following his dream.

This past week has taught me a few things about myself as well as having adult children.

My 23 yr old son's fiance went out to visit him in Denver last week and it wasn't the week either of them had envisioned. The life he is leading there is very different than the one he led here. This life doesn't work very well with a long distance relationship. They broke up.

After hearing third party analysis of what happened, I called my son. It broke my heart to hear his voice. It was torn between staying with the band or coming back home to Laura and the life he had here. Our families are intertwined even before they became a couple, so this has affected us all. My son is hurt and confused. I thought of all kinds of ways for this to work out. He could fly home away from everything that is going on there and get a different perspective. I made plans.

I realize that I take charge of situations and try to fix them. Some people may even call it being a control freak, I prefer the nicer version...a control enthusiast. But there comes a time that you have to step back and accept the fact that you did your job and that from now on you have to just be the observer and bite your tongue. This only happened after I spoke to Laura. After I heard her version of what transpired. It's only then, that I went from the mommy part of me, "my poor baby" to the woman in me, "WTF" to the angry mommy side, " I didn't raise him, to act that way".

Going to Denver, I knew was going to be very different for him. We had talked about it. My concerns and fears for him. I was constantly reminded that we had done a good job and he had a good head on his shoulders. But then I had my second conversation with him and I was angry.
Because the stories I heard was not the son I knew, it was not the man I believed him to was not who I raised.

He has only been gone 4 months. Can that change a man so much? That his wants and needs come first at whatever the cost? Has his head become so big from the adulation and having groupies? Dude, it's not the Rolling Stones, you may be big enough in your corner of the world. But....Seriously???

So this Valentine's Day, I have to accept the fact that I can't fix this. That I have to watch the train wreak from the sidelines. I have to believe that we taught him well and at some point he will realize that how he is behaving is not who he is. I may be disappointed in him at this time but I have to believe that this will pass.

Tony is not 3 anymore and I can't make him do or act as I think he should.
I can not mend their broken hearts nor can I make everything all better.

It is hard to completely let go.
It is hard for me to not tell him what I think he should do.
I want to scold him for behaving the way he is.

I want my baby boy back..... but I've had to cut the cord, even though it's 5 years after I should have..

Sunday, February 8, 2009

A Rat Raids My Fridge

Yesterday was our usual Saturday night jam night. Damien had a late show so everyone was here early.

Now let me explain a few things first. After I moved out of my parents home, I would still ask permission to go into their fridge when I was hungry. I've never been the kind that raids someone fridge. EVER. Tony is that way too. He will ask, the other two...not so much. But that's ok..they are mine so it's no big deal.

Last night I came downstairs to get myself a diet coke and saw a piece of bread and a slice of cheese unopened on my counter. Hmmm. As I came downstairs, I had heard someone going back downstairs and I wondered why would anyone be on the first floor. Till I saw the food on the counter. Was someone helping themselves and upon hearing me coming, scamper downstairs? I instantly got pissed. WTF?? Seriously? You are thieving munchies?

I have no problem with everyone coming over here and partying but the first floor is off limits.

Snaking food is definitely not cool.

Of course when I brought this up to David, somehow it got turned around and he went off on a tangent on how he isn't working and how he can't fill the fridge. Blah Blah Blah.

Beer and unemployment doesn't go together well.

As I sit here I realize it's not about being hungry and raiding my fridge but about the sneaky way this person went about it.

What to do.... do I padlock my fridge Saturday nights?

Friday, February 6, 2009

Googling In Search of Tony

I came across this in my quest to find pictures of Tony with the band. The guy that posted it even said he had tons of pics from the show. Naturally I followed the link only to find that his myspace page is private. Now let me explain the issues I have with this. First off...I want to SEE my baby boy. Secondly....private??? WTF???? You want to make your page private, thats fine, but then you shouldn't be able to be nosey and view others at will. Now I could have added him as a friend, but I figured he would think I was some creepy old hag that was trying to befriend him. So I called Laura (who at this moment is out in Denver visiting Tony) to let her know about the pictures and maybe she could befriend this guy. But oh the sweetie was way ahead of me. She not only did she know about it but she had already befriended said guy AND dowloaded all the pics with Tony. I'm not posting all of them (there are alot) but here are some.

In viewing all these band pictures, I realized a few things....I see my son is doing what he loves and is where he is suppose to be at this time in his life. Missing him like crazy but it warmed my heart when the first picture I opened was this...

Then these....

Thursday, February 5, 2009

The Bitch Comes Out

Each day seems to get harder. The money gets tighter and we get more stressed.
Yesterday I said some things to David that later I regretted. After I had a mini freak out and I vomited out words I shouldn't have said, I realized it's not just about me.
Even though he is the quiet, laid back one in our relationship, I didn't take the time to see how all this affects him. I am such a bitch some times that I even disgust myself. Last night I was so ashamed at myself, I couldn't apologize enough. David? Well as usual he took it stride and told it was okay and not to worry about it.

This is a man who has always worked and made sure we were taken care of. He has dinner for me when I get home or will make it once i get here. I go to work and my mind has the chance to NOT think about our situation for at least 8 hours. But for him that's all he thinks about. He is holding it together in his way and since it's not MY way....I don't see it and obviously don't acknowledge it. I feel terrible. I really need to take his feelings at this time into consideration...I'm not the one at home going nuts, worried about my job and my lack of a paycheck. I am not the one feeling like I am not contributing to our household.
If it was me, you know about it cause I would let everyone know how I felt..I would be crying and feeling sorry for myself. But David is not me and he just is quiet and trying to help in other ways around the house, as he waits for his boss to tell him there is work.
I need to learn how to be quiet sometimes

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Time to Pull Up the Big Girl Panties

This past week isn't any different than the last few months. The only thing that changed was my perception of what is going on here. I opened my eyes and I hit the wall. Reality set in.
David has been out of work since Thanksgiving and what I make every month doesn't cover all the bills. So naturally the deck of cards was slowly crumbling. I had hope though...I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I was making big plans for my birthday with the girls and then a side trip with David and another couple. This won't last, I convinced myself...we'll be okay. I was cheerful till I took Friday off to get some business taken care of.

The realization of how bad the situation is, came crashing in on me. I knew it was could I not know? I knew. I just KNEW it was all going to be okay, so I was still hopeful..till Friday.
Friday coupled with David getting in an accident in my car this week, put me over the top. Even though the accident wasn't his fault and we have full's just too much.

I made a list. (I love making lists). I started with the mortgage company...I had already called and have been getting documents together to work out our mess. But this time I got some asshole, who basically made me feel like shit. He didn't give any hope, just hey pay or you lose your house. I paid my mortgage, but this guy drew the grim picture. I ended up sobbing when I got off the phone. As I scramble to keep everything afloat..there are some things that are falling by the wayside. And now the light at the end of the tunnel as been extinguished.

David is leaving this week to do a side job out of town. So I will be alone for a week, maybe two.
He wants Anjelika to come and stay here while he is gone. Me? I think I'd rather be alone with my thoughts.

Yesterday, we took care of some more things and we may just barely squeak by.
I feel like we are 20 yrs old again and starting out instead of where we were just this past summer. I'm going backwards instead of forward. Friday I just wanted to run away...leave it all behind. But then what? Where would we go? What would we do? I know there are people out there alot worse off than we are. I can sympathize. I am scared for the first time in over 28 years. I have already let go off the luxuries. We have the basics. So for now we are hanging on.

After I was done paying the bills and saw what was left.. wow..our bank account hasn't been this low in soooo long. I freaked out.

So I laid down and slept..... tomorrow is another day.