The Ritz Project

As the date for my 50th birthday steadily approached, I retreated from life. On the outside, it was business as usual. Ahhh, but on the inside? I felt like I was dying. The fact that I was actually turning 50 wasn't the problem. It wasn't the number. It was the realization that I was not truly happy. Not with David or the family but with myself. So what did I do to turn things around? Nothing. November and December brought more bad news. David got laid off again. Still, on the outside I was chipper and optimistic. I was the cheerleader for everyone else. I felt like I was drowning. But sometimes life will kick you in the ass and make you wake up....make you pay attention.

My wake up call was almost losing David in the new year.

As our Christmas festivities came to an end, Tony went back to Denver and I went back to work. David began to complain about his leg around this time. What made things worse was his refusal to come to my office to get the leg scanned. I of course was thinking he had a DVT...a clot in his leg. By New Years Eve I knew it was bad because he didn't want to go to the party we were invited to. By this time he complained of pain on his right side and seemed short of breath. I asked then insisted we should go to the ER. He flat out refused. On January 2 he couldn't take the pain any longer and when he came down from what I thought was a nap he was gasping for air.

I don't know who I am more mad at...him for not listening to me or me for not being more persistent. Irregardless, it turns out he has 2 clots in his leg and 2 clots in his lungs. He made to the ER in time and started on blood thinners. But even with all that, a week later while in the hospital he starts to complain of chest pain. Now i think back on that day and wonder how he made it through.. One of his clots in his lungs got bigger and he threw a new clot in there, The doctor had told him he would die if this happened again. But it did happen again and thankfully he is still here with me.

Before David went into surgery last week, he said he was not scared to die because he is happy with the life he's led and is good with God. As I anxiously awaited for the surgery to be over, I thought, crap...I couldn't say the same. So instead of a New Years resolution (that I blow off within days)......I'm calling it the Ritz Project.

Whats the Ritz Project you wonder? Well it is allowing yourself to take time to learn something new, explore something you are interested in, or do something out of the ordinary just for yourself. What I hope to accomplish with this project is to better know myself, my true needs and wants. Also to discover what really makes me happy.

I'm calling it a project for a few reasons

1) I need accountability .... I'm including a few close friends and blogging about it every week. Hopefully get some of you out there interested too and we can support each other.

2) Making resolutions...really? Doesn't work for me at all.

3) Sounds like work but in a fun way. I'm approaching it like I do my job, which BTW..I'm great at. I have proof...my evaluation says so.


I am 50 and dammit I am determined to find out who I am and what it is I love. Who's with me? Who wants to learn a little more about themselves, discover a new passion?

Today, I'm am making a thank you card for my coworkers (instead of buying one), making a special dinner and photographing both. This is incorporating three things I'm interested in: cooking, art, and photography.

Your turn...tell me what you are interested in.

The Death Box

There are conversations we have throughout our lives that make us un-comfortable, make us squirm in our seats just a bit. They are conversations that need to be had for one reason or another. We may not like it, but we understand the importance of it. At times we may delay them but we know that the words have to be said.

As we get older, we start to think about our own mortality. I started thinking about mine, right after having a heart attack at 46. Thoughts of death and dying clung to me for months. On the outside, no one knew that I felt like I had already died. It took quite along time for me stop fearing life and embrace the one I do have.


We watched The Bucket List this week. Aside from the fact that it is funny, it's the type of movie that makes you think, long after the movie is done. Basically the movie is about two men who are about to die that decide to create a list of things they want to accomplish before they kick the bucket, hence, The Bucket List.

When the movie was over, we told each other what would be on our own list. Without giving any of the plot away, I can see David being the Morgan Freeman character. The man that has given completely of himself for his family and needs to do things just for himself before it's his time to go. As we laughed about the things on our list, we began THE CONVERSATION, the one we've put off, the one that makes us uncomfortable. What will we do when the other dies.

We realized we don't really know the others last wishes. I know David has no clue about the what, where, and when. He would be lost when it came to life insurance, our finances, my personal things, OMG my art supplies! And as usual, he came up with an idea that was both smart and humorous. Okay maybe only to us, but it works.

The Death Box.

In it will be our will that we are in the process of doing, the living will in case we get sick and can't make a decision about our healthcare, insurance papers, and all the names and numbers of what needs to be taken care of financially. It will be easy to get to and everything in one place. It serves to reduce the stress when the time comes. It's something we all need to do but sadly many of us don't.

When my mother was told she didn't have much time left, she showed me where all her important papers where. She told my stepfather and I what she wanted for her funeral and then signed the do not resuscitate papers.

I can not imagine making any decisions the day she died. In the end she was still mom, she took care of everything. That week I was in a fog and she allowed me to grieve without having to make any decisions.

We want to give each other and our children that freedom.

Cutting the cord....5 years too late

There was a time when I couldn't wait till all 3 kids turned 18 and move out of the house. I dreamt that when that day came, I would be doing a naked dance around the house with my ball and chain of how ever many years, and I wouldn't have to be so involved in every aspect of their lives. My life would be my own.

HA! The joke is on me.

The happy naked dance never happened.

I'll admit it, I cried when each left, but I knew we had done a good job raising them. I was proud of them and it was time for them to embark on their own journey. Each took their own path, the oldest got married and started his own family, the youngest is on her own and learning to be independent, and my middle son is following his dream.

This past week has taught me a few things about myself as well as having adult children.

My 23 yr old son's fiance went out to visit him in Denver last week and it wasn't the week either of them had envisioned. The life he is leading there is very different than the one he led here. This life doesn't work very well with a long distance relationship. They broke up.

After hearing third party analysis of what happened, I called my son. It broke my heart to hear his voice. It was torn between staying with the band or coming back home to Laura and the life he had here. Our families are intertwined even before they became a couple, so this has affected us all. My son is hurt and confused. I thought of all kinds of ways for this to work out. He could fly home away from everything that is going on there and get a different perspective. I made plans.

I realize that I take charge of situations and try to fix them. Some people may even call it being a control freak, I prefer the nicer version...a control enthusiast. But there comes a time that you have to step back and accept the fact that you did your job and that from now on you have to just be the observer and bite your tongue. This only happened after I spoke to Laura. After I heard her version of what transpired. It's only then, that I went from the mommy part of me, "my poor baby" to the woman in me, "WTF" to the angry mommy side, " I didn't raise him, to act that way".

Going to Denver, I knew was going to be very different for him. We had talked about it. My concerns and fears for him. I was constantly reminded that we had done a good job and he had a good head on his shoulders. But then I had my second conversation with him and I was angry.
Because the stories I heard was not the son I knew, it was not the man I believed him to be...it was not who I raised.

He has only been gone 4 months. Can that change a man so much? That his wants and needs come first at whatever the cost? Has his head become so big from the adulation and having groupies? Dude, it's not the Rolling Stones, you may be big enough in your corner of the world. But....Seriously???

So this Valentine's Day, I have to accept the fact that I can't fix this. That I have to watch the train wreak from the sidelines. I have to believe that we taught him well and at some point he will realize that how he is behaving is not who he is. I may be disappointed in him at this time but I have to believe that this will pass.

Tony is not 3 anymore and I can't make him do or act as I think he should.
I can not mend their broken hearts nor can I make everything all better.

It is hard to completely let go.
It is hard for me to not tell him what I think he should do.
I want to scold him for behaving the way he is.

I want my baby boy back..... but I've had to cut the cord, even though it's 5 years after I should have..

The Bitch Comes Out

Each day seems to get harder. The money gets tighter and we get more stressed.
Yesterday I said some things to David that later I regretted. After I had a mini freak out and I vomited out words I shouldn't have said, I realized it's not just about me.
Even though he is the quiet, laid back one in our relationship, I didn't take the time to see how all this affects him. I am such a bitch some times that I even disgust myself. Last night I was so ashamed at myself, I couldn't apologize enough. David? Well as usual he took it stride and told it was okay and not to worry about it.

This is a man who has always worked and made sure we were taken care of. He has dinner for me when I get home or will make it once i get here. I go to work and my mind has the chance to NOT think about our situation for at least 8 hours. But for him that's all he thinks about. He is holding it together in his way and since it's not MY way....I don't see it and obviously don't acknowledge it. I feel terrible. I really need to take his feelings at this time into consideration...I'm not the one at home going nuts, worried about my job and my lack of a paycheck. I am not the one feeling like I am not contributing to our household.
If it was me, you know about it cause I would let everyone know how I felt..I would be crying and feeling sorry for myself. But David is not me and he just is quiet and trying to help in other ways around the house, as he waits for his boss to tell him there is work.
I need to learn how to be quiet sometimes

Yesterday: Lost in Translation

All day I've contemplated doing a bit of a rebuttal and I feel like I need to explain a few things.

Yesterday I blogged about my view of the mother daughter relationship from a mother's perspective. I meant it to be humorous but also make a point. But from the comments and emails I received, the humor part was lost on some.

First I want to say how lucky and blessed I am that all 3 of our kids still like to hang out with us. They pop in frequently and call throughout the week.
We have fun together and truly enjoy each others company. Damien getting married is just another sibling for Tony and Anjelika and for us another daughter.

The fact that I wrote that my daughter just pops on over without calling is only because I would like to spare her the embarrassment that I endured (as did my mom) when I walked in on her and my step dad unannounced. Scarred for life, from then on, I never used my key.

We all go through our trials and tribulations with teenagers, especially when those teenagers are our daughter. Some of those comments I made, did happen and that is how I felt. We laugh about them now. Did I think some of the stuff she said was stupid...yes. Would I actually say that? No. My words were more like.."what are you thinking". As for not being there for her? I always have been and still am. I listen, comfort, and give advise. Only now I try to do it only when I'm asked.

There are times that we as mothers do not want to be bothered. The fact that I said that, caused all kinds of commotion. I know I'm not the only one that feels this way. I worked full time and trying to divide my attention between 3 kids and a husband, was exhausting. How do some women find the balance? I never did. So the only one that didn't get as much attention was me.
Don't get me wrong, a martyr I'm wasn't. I'm still trying to find that balance. Why? Because we never stop being a mother. I couldn't even imagine my life without them. I am richer for having the chaos that is my family. We are a loud bunch with music and laughter filling the air. I wouldn't have it any other way.

But just as our kids bitch and moan about us, there is nothing wrong with saying that sometimes motherhood is a pain in the ass. The mother-daughter thing? Well that just makes it a bigger pain in the ass, cause we butt heads more.

I wasn't the Leave it to Beaver mom or even Mrs. Brady. I didn't have the books or the Internet then . I flew by the seat of my pants. I cheated by buying cookies at the bakery, then decorated a coffee can and passed them off as home made, I rearranged my schedule at work in order not to miss a school recital, and made a craptacular angel costume by hand for Damien's first school play. I would compare myself to the other moms I saw, and think...wow, I so suck at this. But those times that I considered a pain in my ass, also make the best memories.

Damien and Anjelika both read my post, with two very different reactions.
Anjelika laughed and agreed with me. She knows me best I think, but also knows that even now, I'm am there for her no matter what. Damien thought it was scathing. When I reminded him that it's nothing she doesn't know and that it was meant to be humorous, he just shook his head.

Back when he had to wear that craptacular angel costume and I sat there crying, feeling ashamed and sorry for him compared to the other kids. He wiped my tears and asked me why I was crying. I apologized to him for not having a nice costume like his classmates. He held my face in his hands and told me that he was proud of his costume because I had made it and that he was the only one with a glittery cardboard harp.

Today that same little boy is now a man with his own son. Today he told us how much he loves us and then reminded me that he is a musician.

Okay, and???

"Don't blog about me and I won't write a song about things that bug me about you"

I know I bug you.

" yeah well, don't make me write a song for everyone to hear"

So now I'm thinking...What will he name it and if it will be a collaborative effort with Tony and Anjelika.

Insert a haha now.

A Mothers View on Mother-Daughter Relationships

After 9 glorious hours of sleep, I grab my coffee and head on over to blogher. As I bounce from post to post I come across one about the mother daughter relationship and it's complications. And as I read more, I come across our view as we get older and we become the care givers.

Which makes me think of how my view of my own mother changed with my mom and dad's divorce during my late teens and then when I became the caregiver and her heart started failing.

But that isn't what this post is about.

Where is the view from a mother's perspective on this subject? I can't seem to find it.

Does it go against good parenting to voice how WE feel about this complicated relationship?

Will I be viewed as a bad mom or am I really the only one that feels this way? (Which is actually my biggest fear.)

Out of the 3 kids, she is the one who sucks the life out of me. It's exhausting. But I'm there.

Why? Cause I'm the mom, I love her, and that is what I'm suppose to do. Do I want to? Not really, not always. I find myself comparing our relationship to mine and my mothers. It's different because, I made sure of it. I wanted the open and honest relationship that I didn't have. So I made my bed and I'm laying in it.

Anjelika will be 22 in less than 2 months. She is the youngest of 3 and the only girl. The boys were a piece of cake in comparison. She is very different than me...not that I wanted a mini me. She has traits that I wish I had and I'm proud she is outspoken and opinionated, not worrying on how she is viewed by others. But I am mom and I don't really want all her outspoken and opinionated views. She is open with me to the point of me cringing at times. She is honest to the point where I've learned through her, that little white lies are definitely so much better than the hard core truth. Filter..PLEASE!!!

So as I read about all the complaints daughters have about their mothers. Here I have some of MY complaints through the years about my daughter.

1. If you know I think he's a douche,why do you feel the need to: talk, complain, or bring him into this house.

2. If you know my opinion on a subject and it differs from your view, don't get pissed. Why even bring it up? It's an OPINION. MINE!

3. If you know that the outfit you are wearing makes me think of a hooker in the red light district, don't show me or ask me "How do I look". You know you won't leave the house looking like that.

4. If you know that your bedroom looks like a wrecking ball just hit it, don't tell me you can't find___. You know what I'll say.

5. If you know that I've carved out some me time in my art studio, it's not the time to hear about your problems with your roommate. I can care less right now or any other time for that matter.

6. If you ask me for my advise and don't agree and voice that you knew I'd say that...then don't ask me in the first place.

7. If you start a conversation with me by saying.."this may sound stupid to you" you are right...it is.

8. If you see me reading a book, do not cover the pages with your hand to get my attention. You are 20 not 2 and it's not cute anymore...that just pisses me off.

9. If you know that me and your dad haven't had a vacation sans kids in all our years together and we finally plan one...don't invite yourself along cause you need to get away for awhile.

10. If you know that me and you dad are now alone in the house. Don't you think you should call first before coming over?

I'm just saying.

I seriously believed that once they were adults it would be my time, but boy...it NEVER ends.

Now I will gladly accept the crappy mommy award, thank you very much.

While Spacing Out..

1. Sunday nights are the worst. I'm already thinking of the things I have to do once I get to the office in the morning.

2. Why hasn't Tony called me?? Has he forgotten that I was in labor with him for an hour and that gives me dibs on who he should call first?

3. How does anyone play online poker for this long?? If he was betting REAL money I would seriously have to kill him and collect the life insurance money.

4. Hmmm.. haven't heard from Anjelika either....maybe that's who Tony is talking to instead of me.

5. Might be babysitting baby boy Tuesday night while Damien plays his show and Emilie is going too. Kinda worried..getting up and ready for work with a baby at home, to then drop said baby off before heading to work, sure isn't the same now as it was in my 20's.

6. I really need to get out of these jammies, take a shower and put on a fresh pair. Chewy won't lay on the couch with me...Doesn't that tell ya something?

Random Thoughts....

1. How did I not get callouses on my ass from being glued to the couch for 4 days??

2. How missing a period can still make me say"Oh Fuck!" Though now the worry isn't "am I pregnant?", it's more about questioning, "Does this mean I need to start stocking up on K Y?"

3. Where are my new towels? Was the dyer monster hungier then usual and go for my towels and not the socks?

4. I wish someone else could take down the christmas tree and put the ornaments away.

5. I should have taken January 2 off and spent another 4 days on the couch.

6. Is that a hair growing on my chin???

7. Why does everyone think this a free laundry facility and just assume that I provide the detergent?

8. I should really make some New Years resolutions this year even though that will go by the wayside by February.

9. Who depantsed James , the basement mannequin?

10. I would really have some fun around here if I was the one laid off.

And the one that keeps creeping through my brain, happens when I pass a mirror...

"who the hell is that staring at me? That's not what I look like."