Not Ready to Be a Proud Card Carrying Member

The envelope came this week. To be honest, it came as a bit of a surprise. I really thought the mailman made a mistake.....till I saw my name on it. Wait a minute here, I'm not 50 yet. I haven't wrapped my head around the fact yet.... that I'll be 50 in September. WOW! It's not that I don't KNOW I'll be 50 this year and in some ways I've been preparing for what I want to do for my birthday. But there is a difference between planning a getaway to a spa and a boozy filled weekend with the girls and shoving a "Hey yo, yeah you, you're old" card in my face. Nope, I'm not ready for that.

I stared at the envelope. I didn't open it, just stared at it. Then, as if it was some secret letter I had to hide from everyone, I quickly shoved it in my purse without even opening it. There it sits, hidden between my checkbook and my make up bag.

Getting older isn't a big deal to me or so I thought, until a few months ago when I missed my period. Since puberty I've been like clockwork. Hence, when each time I got pregnant I knew right away that I was. Before this happened, I couldn't wait till menopause came so I wouldn't have to deal with that anymore. It's not like I was going to have any more kids, I got my tubes tied years ago so I saw no point in having my life interrupted every month with cramps, bloating and spending money on tampons.

The day that I realized that I actually missed my period, I cried. Instead of being thrilled as I always imagined I would be, I mourned my loss. My forgetfulness and foggy brain these past few months weren't stress related as I had thought it was. It's the beginning of menopause.

Through tears, I told David I missed my period. I needed him to wrap his arms around me and tell it me it was okay and that it didn't make a difference. Instead, he looked like I had just hit him over the head and he asked me..." Are you pregnant?" Dude, seriously? If that was the case I would be happily planning how we would be spending all the money we would get from the lawsuit for a screwed up tubal ligation. GEEZ!!

There are changes to body that I've accepted. The wrinkles on my face let me know that I have always smiled alot. Those bags under my eyes mean I don't rest enough. The grey in my hair is respectfully (for the time being) coming in closer to my scalp, well hidden from view. I can get highlights, I like my hair lighter anyway. It has been a hard winter and my legs and feet, OMG the feet are super dry. I officially now have my mom's disgusting scaly, cracked feet. I'm sure I could cut my husband's legs in his sleep if I didn't apply lotion on them. But last month I discovered something new. I was taking my undies off and I saw all these white little flakes in my black pretty undies. At first I thought it was baby powder, till I realized I don't use any. Then it hit me. WTF....who gets dry ass cheeks? Is it just me? Is my skin THAT dry that even my ass cheeks, who never are exposed to the elements, start sloughing skin like a snake?

These days I apply body lotion head to toe when I get out of the shower. My butt cheeks are now happy.

I've started a new chapter in my life that I'm not so willing to begin, but as my husband says...it's better than the alternative. So today I'm opening up my AARP letter. I hear I can get discounts.

Yesterday: Lost in Translation

All day I've contemplated doing a bit of a rebuttal and I feel like I need to explain a few things.

Yesterday I blogged about my view of the mother daughter relationship from a mother's perspective. I meant it to be humorous but also make a point. But from the comments and emails I received, the humor part was lost on some.

First I want to say how lucky and blessed I am that all 3 of our kids still like to hang out with us. They pop in frequently and call throughout the week.
We have fun together and truly enjoy each others company. Damien getting married is just another sibling for Tony and Anjelika and for us another daughter.

The fact that I wrote that my daughter just pops on over without calling is only because I would like to spare her the embarrassment that I endured (as did my mom) when I walked in on her and my step dad unannounced. Scarred for life, from then on, I never used my key.

We all go through our trials and tribulations with teenagers, especially when those teenagers are our daughter. Some of those comments I made, did happen and that is how I felt. We laugh about them now. Did I think some of the stuff she said was stupid...yes. Would I actually say that? No. My words were more like.."what are you thinking". As for not being there for her? I always have been and still am. I listen, comfort, and give advise. Only now I try to do it only when I'm asked.

There are times that we as mothers do not want to be bothered. The fact that I said that, caused all kinds of commotion. I know I'm not the only one that feels this way. I worked full time and trying to divide my attention between 3 kids and a husband, was exhausting. How do some women find the balance? I never did. So the only one that didn't get as much attention was me.
Don't get me wrong, a martyr I'm wasn't. I'm still trying to find that balance. Why? Because we never stop being a mother. I couldn't even imagine my life without them. I am richer for having the chaos that is my family. We are a loud bunch with music and laughter filling the air. I wouldn't have it any other way.

But just as our kids bitch and moan about us, there is nothing wrong with saying that sometimes motherhood is a pain in the ass. The mother-daughter thing? Well that just makes it a bigger pain in the ass, cause we butt heads more.

I wasn't the Leave it to Beaver mom or even Mrs. Brady. I didn't have the books or the Internet then . I flew by the seat of my pants. I cheated by buying cookies at the bakery, then decorated a coffee can and passed them off as home made, I rearranged my schedule at work in order not to miss a school recital, and made a craptacular angel costume by hand for Damien's first school play. I would compare myself to the other moms I saw, and think...wow, I so suck at this. But those times that I considered a pain in my ass, also make the best memories.

Damien and Anjelika both read my post, with two very different reactions.
Anjelika laughed and agreed with me. She knows me best I think, but also knows that even now, I'm am there for her no matter what. Damien thought it was scathing. When I reminded him that it's nothing she doesn't know and that it was meant to be humorous, he just shook his head.

Back when he had to wear that craptacular angel costume and I sat there crying, feeling ashamed and sorry for him compared to the other kids. He wiped my tears and asked me why I was crying. I apologized to him for not having a nice costume like his classmates. He held my face in his hands and told me that he was proud of his costume because I had made it and that he was the only one with a glittery cardboard harp.

Today that same little boy is now a man with his own son. Today he told us how much he loves us and then reminded me that he is a musician.

Okay, and???

"Don't blog about me and I won't write a song about things that bug me about you"

I know I bug you.

" yeah well, don't make me write a song for everyone to hear"

So now I'm thinking...What will he name it and if it will be a collaborative effort with Tony and Anjelika.

Insert a haha now.