The Twins are Pissed But They Got Lovely Parting Gifts

About two months ago, while showering I found a lump on my left breast. I ran my fingers across it as I was taught to do. Yes, it is there, it's not my imagination. I also found another smaller one on the same one. Then, I did the other breast. Okay, there's definitely something there, because the right one is lump-free. I'm quietly freaking out in the shower trying to calm myself down by telling myself that I've always felt something. In my 20's every month I was convinced I had breast cancer. I felt all kinds of lumps. My doctor told me I had fibrocystic disease. Basically, I'm lumpy. So at some point in my 30's I stopped going to see my gyne. I know, I know, I'm stupid. I've scoured the internet to make sure that I did the self breast exam properly. Everywhere I looked, I read the same thing.... From the Mayo clinic on women's health:

"The best time to perform a breast self-exam is about a week after the start of your period. That's when your breasts are least likely to be tender or swollen. Your breast tissue undergoes changes each month during your menstrual cycle. Changes in hormone levels associated with menstruation cause your breasts to swell. Once your period starts, the swelling subsides and your breasts return to normal."

So what happens when Mable stops her monthly visit? Or in my case, comes whenever she feels like, stays as long as she feels like and brings more chaos? When is the right time? Does it make a difference when I do it? Does this mean that since I missed yet another period, the timing for self breast examination is up for grabs?

Last month I made an appointment with a new gyne. Why? Because it had been so long since I've gone, that my old gyne died. New gyne is great, she has wrinkles around her eyes and mouth. She is around my age. She understands everything I'm complaining about, not because she learned this from some medical book but because she is going through the same shit. Yea....I can bitch and complain and she'll get it!!!

She asked me when I had my last period. Mabel? Oh that bitch hasn't come to visit since I think December, or was that November? Hmmm, somewhere around there. But then last month I don't think it was really her, it might have been have evil sister Bertha. The one who drops in for a day, is a lightweight and just makes enough of a mess. I'm sure all of you have met her at one time or another. She tells me I have to count her too. I'm told to diligently keep track of my period. Really? I haven't done that since I decided to do my part and stop contributing to the world population by having a tubal ligation. In order to be menopausal, Mabel and Bertha stop coming around completely for a full year. Time to start tracking again. I'm perimenopausal... a prelude to the big M. So everything I'm feeling can get worse?? Greaaaaaaaaat.

Yesterday, I had my mammogram. The technician was sweet and helpful. She showed me how the new machine is now digital. Well that's cool but does it still squish the boob? That's all I cared about. Yes, it still does. I wasn't too pleased that after I was contorted into an uncomfortable position (and humiliated when she had to push my belly fat out of the way) I had to go through a redo, because I didn't relax and muscle obscured the image. Relax??? Are you *&($#@# kidding me?

Well, I got through it. I will get my results next week. Unlike my husband, I'm not too worried. I had my freak out, now I'll deal with whatever comes my way. My advise now is to follow the rules. Have a yearly checkup, mammogram and pap smear. Early detection is crucial.

The highlight for me? They now give you pasties. Well, the technician called them something else and what they were for. Please......whatever, they are pasties in my book. I couldn't wait to get home and flash my husband. Yes, of course I left them on. And of course I had to take a picture. Okay, maybe not of me actually wearing them, (cause besides my husband, who would really wants to see natural 49 year old boobs that breastfed three times?) but close enough.

I'm a new wife and mom....AGAIN

I'm home sick. Have a fever ... I still am dizzy from my new glasses. These progreesives suck.. I just see clearer as my head is spinning thats all......I feel like crap, am bored and i'm sure I'm hallucinating. Gotta be.

David is back on days after what 5 yrs or is that 7? Lost count. Nini moved back home so she can go back to school. Oh with Kirby ( her BF) in tow. Sometimes here..Sometimes not. but still... he is here, which I'm not saying is a bad thing. I'm just saying...My nights are not my own anymore.

My groove thang has gone haywire.

My nights after work consist of making dinner, setting the table, washing dishes, getting stuff ready for next day.. then dropping dead from exhaustion, just so I can be up at the crack of dawn (its not EVEN dawn yet btw) by 4:30 the next day to make lunches and read email and get ready for work. Why not make lunches the night before you may ask??? Cause they like FRESH lunches. AND whatever GOOD tv shows I DVR'ed (DVR'd??) I won't be able to watch cause David a) doesn't like them or b) I'm too damn tired and fall asleep within the first 5 mins.

I know that somewhere..long time ago I did this. yep.. Add 2 boys... yep I use to do this and more. That was when all 5 of us lived here. A Looooooooooooong time ago. ok, maybe not that long. But still, we are creatures of habit and when the last of my brood moved out and hubby was working nights. My life became my own ..to do as I saw fit. That included but not limited to: channel surfing.. yes, a remote control to call my very own. NO sharing, crackers n cheese for dinner or take out or nothing, my choice, um.... sitting in my studio, creating or just eyeballing all my goodies. Coming up with ideas and jotting them down, trying out stuff in my journal, reading my emails and checking out my groups, reading blogs but forgetting to write in my own.

So as I sit here nursing myself, I come to admit to myself ( Shhhhhhh don"t tell my family) I like cooking, I enjoy thier company, tv isn't that important, I like the fact David washes the dishes and I only have to do the pots. Nini and Kirby clear the table, shovel snow, take out the garbage, and they all thank me each night for dinner and tell me how good it is. Kirby has become David's Nintendo partner while I make dinner, and Nini is my companion at the store and everyone comes out to get the groceries from the car. My bed is made every morning now..Oh and I have a husband again 7 nights a week that I can put my cold ass feet up against to get them warm with no complaints. hmmmm I really like this... all of this.

Changes and more assumptions

We are back to this... after how many months???

I never create anything that I actually keep. Everything goes out the door.

But this time it's different.

I was in the process of creating some fatbook pages when my oldest came into my studio cause his dad told him he pissed off mom. Well, it all stems from my post months ago when my son figured I don't have a life. I thought everything was ok and once again we were back to it.

Hurt turns to anger. And my words were "I'm done". Done with worrying, thinking, doing, for everyone else.

So, here I was in the middle of creating a page when he walks in and once he tell me he heard I was mad but didn't know why...I went off. Called him a self centered, elitest brat and that anything that he doesn't consider importatnt isn't. I think shock is a good way to describe the look on his face. But he agreed.. and brought up having a baby. YEAH, that doesn't work with me anymore. I had 3 by his age and neither of our families knew of our struggles and I dealt with whatever came my way. With that we started talking..the whole time I'm working and talking. He looked around and said that he always supported my endeavors. Well.....he is right. He has always encouraged me. But to figure after a long day at work..I have nothing to do????..makes me nuts. He agreed he has been an ass and disrespectful.

I finished the page and kept it..... as a reminder. That my time counts.

Where's the change????

All within the same week....Hubby starts working days ( overnights for past 5 years) and our daughter moves back home in order to afford school.

Have to keep saying..

my time counts
my time counts
my time counts

Ahhhh but maybe it will feel like we are newlyweds... after almost 30 yrs.
Gotta smile

NEW BEGINNINGS

I'm making it just before midnight...but I am making it.....finally.

Today I am 48. It's hard for me to believe. It was just 2 years ago when my life got away from me. I was doing so well and then the heart attack. I thought it was just panic or stress. Guess not. It scared everyone but worse me. The heart can be mended ( great docs) but the after effects...not so easy. At least for me.

I stopped living...but the funny thing is life keeps moving even if your not moving with it.

So much happened in those two years and I look at it now almost like in a dream state. I was there.....but it felt like I was outside looking in. Someone else's life I was watching. Kinda hard to explain. Fear...dread.. always looking over my shoulder. Since I know there is still more work to be done..when will the other shoe drop and I'm back in the hospital. Will I make it next time?? It was a close call last time. Recovery isn't easy sometimes, it can be a rough road. Physcially and mentally.

But in the last 2 months something changed... not sure how or when it happened....the veil was lifted. I feel more like me again.

So here I am..ready again...starting all over.