Hormones and Meltdowns

Is it that my hormones are out of whack or am I losing it??? In the past few weeks I have gone from teary eyed to downright sobbing. I mean the ugly cry. You know the ugly cry. The face, snot, wailing sounds...yeah, the ugly cry.

It started out of nowhere as me and David ordered burgers. I even had to put my sunglasses on so no one would notice, including him. Yeah..that didn't work. That started the questions, what did he do or say. Gotta love guys, they automatically think they've done something wrong. Which most of the time they have...but not this time. I couldn't even talk as I ate my burger through tears. I thought about it as we rode home on the bike with the sun shining down on us. It was such a gorgeous day.....and I'm in tears. GEEZ!!!! Though I had been crying for a few weeks, it was the first time I had cried in front of anyone and had to explain what I felt.

When we got home, Lucy had some "splaining" to do. Wow, where do I start? I feel like time is running out and I haven't explored the things I want to do. Haven't taken the time to do things I enjoy doing. The kids are grown and mostly out (well, baby girl is back) and my life is still revolving around everyone else. What they are doing and how they feel. Why? Why do I keep doing this? There are things I enjoy but I have no one to enjoy them with. I don't do things by myself. So I don't do them. I'm going to need to learn how to, otherwise I'm never going to do anything, and it will be the vicious circle.

I told David that even though I enjoy music and love watching our kids perform, it's his passion and their passion....not mine. I love art and photography. He use to paint in oils and hasn't in like 20 or more years. He says it's because he doesn't have the time. When we moved from Miami to Lancaster,Ca, he gave away everything, all his art stuff. Though he supports anything I do and gives me constructive criticism, he hasn't been interested in pursuing painting again. I would love for us to share that.

Instead of seeing myself as a blubbering idiot once again, I decided to make some changes. I want to create more, take some art classes....I want to take photography classes...I want to....I need to...do more me stuff. Ribfest was my first step. But obviously afternoon festing is not my thing unless there is beer involved. So early festing is the answer. It inspires me and gets the creative juices flowing. It just gives me that feel good high. Add booze and that's just perfection.

The big birthday is around the corner and nipping at my heels. So I want the Canon Rebel as my present. There is a photography studio that holds classes right by work. I'm going to enroll. There is an art studio on my way home from work....going to enroll in some classes there too. I'm tired of just rearranging stuff in my studio and not creating.

Here are some pictures of what I've been doing since my meltdown on poor David. I've also included a picture of how David spent Father's day.....pouring concrete in order to get ready for Tony's arrival (that's a post all on it's own....oh I cried buckets then too, but for different reasons)

Custer's Last Stand Festival - Went with my boss and had a blast. Inspiration galore!!! She is exactly like me and we went early and left as the place was getting packed.

Even though it was sweltering hot....I came home and started these....

Though they only have a few layers and they are not done, at least it's a start.

And it was so worth the sunburn.... OUCH!

We took Desi to the lake...ah to see sand and water through the eyes of a child.

He walked into the water like a man possessed. Isn't there a movie where Bill Murray does that?

And finally....Father's Day in Ritzland.

We now were ready for Tony's arrival.

New Journal Brings New Opportunites

I found this book and thought it might help me with all the ideas I have swirling in my head for my new journal. You can read the reviews at Amazon I find funny is that this is SO not my type of book, yet it called me as I was browsing at Borders. It a whole Mind, Body, Soul book..it should help me get better insight into what makes me..me.

We all have that little voice in our heads that steer us in a direction. Call it womens intuition, sixth sense, God..whatever...I've finally learned to give into it and make no apologies for it. When I saw the book, something told me to grab it and without really looking inside, I bought it.
I'm glad I did. I'm taking my time with this.

As I start this new journey of self discovery and wondering where I am going, I'm once again shown a new path. One I wasn't looking for and not even considering.

Damien called me and asked me if I had any art I was interested in selling. Nope don't have anything but hmmmm selling?? I started asking a gazillion questions...Of course my dear son was too vague for mama's liking. his quick answer..talk to Sean.
Sean came over Wednesday and told me that there is this new shop that opened in July in Lakeview/Lincoln Park area. His friend is looking for local artists that are interested in selling their artwork. Sean thought of me. Its Eclectic...its vintage with a mix of funky and artist wares.





Now I have to figure what to do....

Plans Never Pan Out

I had visions for this Saturday......

I planned to upload my faces to flicker for my Suziblu class. (which is wonderful by the way)
Clean up studio from my last art marathon.
Start my healing journal
Finish my pages for a skinny book swap due next week.
Do household chores that have been put off for this weekend.
Finishing touch on my project.
Then put all my new artwork on my blog.

Maybe tomorrow.....I have baby boy today.
Change o plans....

Hmmm...think I'll bring out his crayons and gigantic size pad of paper. Maybe we can have an art day.
Yeah right...maybe 15 minutes.
He's my little whirlwind...constant motion till he drops.

Oh well...there is always Sunday.

My "ME" Day

Took Thursday off because.....my laptop is here again and because I needed a ME day.

So I began planning my ME day.. hmmm what did I want to do???

1. Read all my emails that I couldn't read due to hubby's too slow computer.

2. Check all the art I've missed during this downtime

3. Check out blogs

4. Pick up some paint I need for suziblu class I'm taking.

5. Work on some projects in progress.

6.Picinic in the park with my baby boy Desi.

7. Answer emails

8. Update my blog.

9. Clean up house and start laundry

10. Surprise hubby with dinner and a very cold beer when he walks in the door.

11. Go with David to a friends house to watch Bears pre-season game

Most to be done by 4 pm. Ambitious??? yes, for the time frame


What I actually ended up doing.....


1. read some emails.

2. Called BFF and let her know I was home so she could come over and hang out..in afternoon.

3. Bought paints and ran into a GF I haven't seen in bout 10 years...made plans for later in the day.

4. Sat in MAJOR traffic..OMG , don't people work on Thursdays???? or are they having their own me day?

5. Had 1/2 hr. with baby boy at the park..no picnic..mommy n him were meeting up with her dad for lunch. Dropped him back off just as it was time for them to leave.

6. Gathered all supplies needed for class and set aside.

7. Found a drawing I did last year for a class on faces. The instructor helped me with shading some of the hair. I was proud of my first attempt nonetheless.



6. Layered some more paint on one of my ongoing projects.

7. read some more emails..answered a few.

8. GF that has been MIA for 10 years came over.

9. Met Hubby at door with cold beer..um, no dinner

10 BFF came over with her new grandbaby and parents in tow.

11. Missed Bears game (David went) to make dinner for my company

12. Updated blog a little.



My days never work out like I plan...................

New Art and New Products

This weekend was Dick Blick's Learning Expo in Lisle, IL. I'd been looking forward to going, especially since I found out they were selling the new
pan pastels. These are pastels that I've been dying to try. Every rave review I've read and heard are absolutely true. They are fantastic. Creamy and smooth!! They blend beautifully.... I LOVE THEM!!
I also bought more Canson's all media books that I can use to try out new techniques and ideas... Some more Golden's fluid acrylics that I was running out of....Gesso....Goldens also has a new product line.More Mixed Media...Digital grounds that you apply on just about any flat surface and you can print from your ink jet printer. All the info is at the Golden's website. So I bought a sample pack.
I also bought my future DIL a book on watercolors.

So while hubby celebrated his birthday out on the golf course, I was in my studio playing with my new pastels. I ended up creating a new journal page. I was thinking about what Luniladi had said in our last conversation. Where was I going?

I layered and layered and layered. By the time I was done my studio looked like a tornado had hit. Acrylics, inks, gesso, stamps, and papers were all over the place. In the end I'm happy with how it came out.

I also finished a page for a circus swap I'm in.

By the time I was done, it was BBQ time and the party began.

My laptop goes back to Dell to get fixed tomorrow. I miss it. Hubby's puter is too slow...but beggers can't be choosy and I NEED my internet.

EXHIBIT

Last month I was asked if I was interested in putting my artwork in a gallery where Press Gang is having a show. Heart of Gold Loft. Before my mind could catch up with my mouth I said yes. In reality I had nothing, which meant I had to get to work on creating new stuff for the exhibit.

This is a first for me. So fear did not enter in the equation...yet. I had other projects going on at the same time and working overtime at my regular job.

WHAT WAS I THINKING????

The countdown:

Week 4..... nothing

Week 3... I start looking around my studio at what I have to work with. Are you kidding me??? I have an art supply store here!! So I first decide on 12 4x4 canvases I had other plans for. I did a quick wash and layered some paint and scraps of paper. Grabbed some canvas fabric and did a quick wash of watercolors on that... grabbed a 10x10 canvas I had painted and drawn previously for another project and made changes to that...

OK...got nothing

Week 2...Still no fear , no nerves acting up.

I add different paper to fabric and have a great idea on what to do. Work on the 4x4's..have great idea for that and go for it. Add more layers to the 10x10.

Week 1 and counting down the days....Patina the clothespins for the fabric canvas. Start mold for my knife on the 4x4's. And start on layers of tar gel.

Add more paint to that and add more layers of paint to 10x10.

Chaos and nerves set in...

The mold of my knife did not turn out like I saw it in my head. Even after I painted it...nope didn't work. Crap!!! what to do?? Paint I had planned on using for the tar gel isn't right... Fly over to Dick Blicks, get right color..just in case I get another shade too. Add that... ok, I'm happy.

But the whole point was the knife...now I'm sweating it.

Doubt begins to settle in and the inner critic is screaming at me... "What were you thinking??? Your stuff doesn't belong there". I start to freak out. Call Luniladi and as always she encourages me and says just the right things. She emails me at work everyday with encouraging words. God I love her!!

Day 5... I am told when I can come over with artwork.

Day 4.... I am told I need to have info about my work.

Crap I have nothing!!! Mind is a blank... I freeze. MAJOR FREAK OUT

Day 3...no time, DH and kids look at my stuff, DH says he doesn't get it...not to say its bad... just doesn't get it.

Day 2.... Finish fabric piece and hate it, The 4x4 need something... have no clue what that something is.

The 10x 10 is at least done and I'm ok with it.

Get my hair cut and done which was waaaay overdue. At least I'll look cute if my artwork sux.

Go out for dinner with DH to celebrate our 28th anniversary, have martinis with dinner on an empty stomach and needless to say the rest of my evening didn't go as planned. We wanted to keep the night going ...it was a beautiful night... but I was zonked out by 10. Jeez I'm a fun date!! Well I was.. till the last of the martini was gone and I realized oops... bad idea

DAY 1... I had taken Thursday and Friday off. BIL comes in from out of town for exhibit and show and an appt. Monday before he goes back home. Surprise my Tias with a visit with Desi, drop Desi back off and Start to seriously freak out.

Well at least I'm done with my 3 pieces.

DAY OF EXHIBIT: Wake up before the roosters, freaking out. I want to throw up. Sit in my studio looking around. My eyes focus on a paper mache hand and another canvas next to it..

I have this vision for the hand and the canvas that kinda unifies the 4x4 canvas and the 10x10. I start working. Pulled out the heat gun to rush the drying time..

I don't think I've ever used my heat gun so much at one time!!

My hubby comes in and says that by looking at my art, people are gonna think our marriage sux. We laugh and I see what he means. I don't even know where this comes from cause after 28 yrs we still have fun together.

It 11am and I'm done! As happy as I can be with inner critic buzzing in my ear. Call Luniladi to tell her what I did.. she even thinks I'm nuts for changing my mind...but again very encouraging.

I still need to name my pieces and my mind won't cooperate. call Damien figuring since he write lyrics he can help. "I got nothing, sorry"

He comes by to pick up equipment and looks over my finished work. Smiles and says the 4x4's look like a Bon Jovi song and laughs.

Finally have a plan and take quick pics before I head out the door. They didn't turn out great and I totally forgot to take pics at the gallery. Dummy me.

Lost Souls

Disillusion

Lost

Thanks alot Bon Jovi

After all was said and done..It was a success.

I had people come up to me that have known me for years that had no idea I did this and they liked it, or those that found out it was mine after someone else told them. It was great meeting new people that enjoyed what I did.

And the best part???

My hubby of 28 yrs comes up to me and says.. "WOW.. being up on a wall with other peoples art.... It looks great! on the floor in your room doesn't even compare"

That put a smile on my face...He finally gets it!

Catching up

Wow, its been a long time since I posted....
The whole reason to start this blog was making time for myself. Which I have but somehow this went by the wayside. I love reading blogs. I read emails and read my blogs before heading off to work in the morning. But I've been working alot of overtime in order to put it into the "Tony's getting married" fund. More on that later.
Baby girl turned 21 with a blow out party.

Damien made the flyers

Her friends from Denver, Forth Yeer Freshman surprised her by being the headlining band. http://www.myspace.com/forthyeerfreshman
It took a year to plan since they tour and we wanted to surprise her.
She knew they were touring but had no idea they were coming. She thought they were in Indiana that night. So when they came in asking for directions to Indiana, she jumped all over them.

Tony and Damien played http://www.myspace.com/roadcrew13
Damien's new band http://www.myspace.com/pressgang3

and Tony and Laura...http://www.myspace.com/littlesisterthebullies.

we all had a great time.

I've been spending time with my favorite little man...

I've been making some new art

There's more but I keep forgetting to take pics until after I send stuff out.

That puter bag I wanted in an earlier post??? Got it after valentines Day.

And now my laptop took a dump. I've been on DH's puter which is super slow and playing phone tag with Dell.
Worked on new stuff that took me in some ways in a different direction.
But thats a post all on it own.